Just been given the lead in a West End musical, trying not to make a song and dance about it.
Another programme about Irish politicians taking bribes? Been there, done that, bought the Taoiseach.
You know how irritated you get by pricks who put the word “that” at the end of their tweets? That.
I was absolutely gutted when my wife replaced her small vibrator with a huge 10″ one. There’s no way I’ll be borrowing that.
My wife suffers with Bulimia and OCD. When she eats Alphabetti Spaghetti she has to puke it up in alphabetical order.
TIP: Evoke the thrill of the Olympic Route on YOUR street by running past the neighbours’ windows with a burning chip pan.
What do a midget and a dwarf have in common? Very little.
TIP: Make your boss feel like an NFL coach by pouring the contents of the water cooler over him whenever there’s any good news.
Started my new job with the Samaritans two weeks ago. Went to phone in sick today and the bastards talked me out of it.
I’ve just found Katie Price’s first sex tape but I just can’t watch it. It’s on Betamax.
“Dad, what’s Facebook?” “Lying to people you know.” “So what’s Twitter?” “Being honest to people you don’t know”.
My bank lets me send a text message and they’ll text back with my balance. It’s a cool feature but I didn’t think the LOL was necessary.
You had me at ‘Take one more step and I will mace you’.
I finally found my girlfriend’s G-Spot last night. It was in the bottom of my wallet.
Just saw a Still Life exhibition at Tate Britain. Can’t say I found it particularly moving.
I could tell that my girlfriend got out of bed on the wrong side this morning. She had a tissue stuck to her foot.
I helped deliver a baby this morning. I’m a driver on the FedEx route from Malawi to Madonna’s house.
I found a piece of cake in the fridge with a note saying DO NOT EAT! Now there’s an empty plate and a note saying DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
My new girlfriend just whispered those magical three little words that made my heart flutter. “I do anal”
I had an interview with a publishers this morning. He asked me why I wanted to get into editing. I said “Well, to cut a long story short.”
Has anyone else slept with a billionaire’s wife? I think I’ve come up Trump’s.
What do you call a 30-stone Scottish prostitute? Aweighty fuck.
Just called the Paranoia Society. The guy on the phone said “How the fuck did you get this number?”
“I’m sorry, I don’t have an opinion on the subject. What do you think?” ~ Nobody on Twitter, ever.
My girlfriend has this sick sexual fetish. She tries to cuddle me after sex.
There is nothing more annoying than two people talking while I’m trying to interrupt.
Since I smashed all the mirrors on my car I can honestly say I haven’t looked back.
Just did a couple of laps around the gym. Perhaps next time I’ll actually park the car and go in.
I just heard a noise and came downstairs at 4am. That’s all I found was my budgie twittering. I didn’t even know he could use the laptop.
Just had the builders in, they say our kitchen floor slopes quite steeply. I’m inclined to agree.