A vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door this morning. Before I spoke he tipped a bucket of dog shit over my carpet and said “If this vacuum doesn’t remove every trace of it I’ll personally eat what’s left”. I said “I hope you’re hungry because they cut off my electric this morning”.
Me: “I need to speak to the pilot”
Flight attendant: “You can’t”
Me: “Please! It’s an emergency”
Flight attendant: “Fine” *opens cockpit*
Me: “Are we there yet?”
A new theatre was opened in Bilbao, in northern Spain. It was built with only one door. It was allowed to open, but soon afterwards there was a fire and many people couldn’t escape. Which proves the point: “You shouldn’t put all your Basques in one exit”.
My wife screamed “I can’t believe that you’ve been visiting prostitutes for sex”. I said “You can hardly blame me. It’s not like I was getting any from you”. “Well, that’s your own fault” she said, “you never told me you were willing to pay for it”.
Just a reminder that somebody named a species of bird ‘great tits’ and we’re all completely fine with that.
[me at job interview]
“And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?”
“Single ticket for that midnight train to Georgia please”
“Are you Gladys Knight?”
“Definitely, it’s 60% off for off-peak”
Police say a Bristol man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket this afternoon. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
If you want to save money on Christmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa never made it through the pandemic.
“I’d tap that” ~ Fred Astaire
My cooker has broken down more times than I’ve had hot dinners.
I’ve just seen Elvis in B&Q. Returned a sander.
In the movie Mary Poppins, actress Julie Andrews stopped giving blow jobs whilst wearing lipstick. Apparently the super colour fragile lipstick makes the dicks atrocious.
“And tell me, is there a Lord Gaga?”
Everyone scoffed when I said I’d be a cook. They’re not scoffing now.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
I smoke far too many cigarettes these days and it’s affecting the kids’ health, so I’m giving them up. Can anyone recommend a decent adoption agency?
Car boot sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move.
Today is National Cannabis Day in Germany, or ‘Hashtag’ as it’s commonly known.
Breaking: Jacob Rees-Mogg denies he is “out of touch”, and if you say different he’ll challenge you to a duel.