#2213

Some really sad news to report today. After 17 years of marriage my wife has finally left me because of my constant neediness and insecurity. I’m heartbroken…. No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I went into a florist earlier and said “I’d like to buy a lovely bouquet of flowers for my girlfriend”. The florist said “Certainly, what is it you’re after?” I said “Anal”.

God this is so embarrassing. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. “Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog,” said the vet.

I’ve bought a sexy bra and panties set from Victoria’s Secret. I can’t wait for my wife to get home from work. I can’t work out how to do the strap up.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend. My best game of Scrabble ever.

Just thinking back, the first time I had sex was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled and said “I just feel so awkward”. I said “Look, just ignore them”.

My father had a lifelong cleft palate but he gave me some great advice which I’ve never forgotten. Like: Never look a gift whore in the muff.

If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t watch child porn.

Me to my wife: “Of course your secrets are safe with me, because I wasn’t even listening”.

My great grandfather was the scientist who spent a lifetime discovering why women get periods. Turns out it’s because they deserve them.

The annual Reykjavik World’s Largest Penis Tournament this month. That’s why mums go to Iceland.

FACT: When you die, one of the first things you do is learn how to slide a glass around a Ouija Board.

My wife has done an amazing job of cutting her carbon footprint. She’s given up cooking.

TEAM PLAYER WANTED. Non-competitive salary.

My date last night ticked a lot of boxes. Although she said it was a little bit creepy that I made her fill in a questionnaire.

Do you happen to have a photo of me taken from far away? I know, it’s a long shot.

On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: “For fuck sake, you take Christmas too seriously.”

Hearing that Rachel Riley fell down the stairs and broke her nose. On the way down she hit four from the top and three from the bottom.

I bought one of those self-assembly bird tables a while back. The lazy bastards haven’t even opened the box. All they’ve done is shit on it.

“Oh, so you just put up Prehistoric Elephant skeletons in museums. Wrong number” ~ another disappointed caller to ‘Mammoth Erections Co.’