A book about grammar? You shouldn’t of.
I’m going to make my wife Bubble and Squeak tonight. It’s all in the foreplay.
My brother’s promised me an expensive digital watch this Christmas but I expect it’s a wind-up.
I was walking down the street earlier when I heard the sound of a piano coming from an upstairs window. It missed me by inches.
I’m old enough to remember when the Emperor Qin Shi Huang would regularly tweet his disapproval about the reluctance of the Mongolians to pay for the Great Wall of China.
My brother was the best at hide-and-seek. I miss you, Mikey. Wherever you are.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
My wife, getting murdered: “Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy”
News: As Elon Musk opens a huge underground tunnel in LA, critics question his motives after a Thai football team is seen wandering into it.
Happy New Year!!! Sorry, I suffer from premature congratulation.
‘It’s A Wonderful Life’ is my favourite film about giving up your dreams to make everyone else happy, living in a crap house and hallucinating.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utilities $150
Someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. My family is dying.
Friend: “Pretend like you’re not too interested”
Me: “Ok”
[later]
Date: “My grandmother recently passed away”
Me: “Who cares”
Date: “I like guys who are into self-mutilation, but are also good listeners” Van Gogh: “I maul ears”
You better watch out,
You better not cry,
Better not pout,
I’m telling you why,
It’s very annoying.
I’ve just run a bath. Which isn’t the longest distance, admittedly, but it’s a start.
[end of a date]
Her: “We should have dinner again”
Me: “Thanks but I’m full”
Sorry I’m late, I was scrolling through a drop-down menu to find my year of birth.
My wife has just come tumbling down the stairs. I told her not to buy that slinky nightdress.
I don’t understand how people cry for no reason. There’s a million reasons to cry.
We couldn’t decide: Watch a war movie, listen to acid jazz, or play cards? Eventually we chose bridge, over Jamiroquai.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying: “Hey, I spent 99p on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop. Thanks Dad.