If you know anyone who’s interested, I’m looking for an open-minded lady to join me and my girlfriend for a threesome. Oh, and a girlfriend.
TIP: Reduce office jargon by downsizing non-granular qualifiers and promoting a linear paradigm shift in workplace culture.
The worst thing about watching TV with my parents is when there’s really graphic sex, and I can’t hear the TV.
TIP: Councillors. Avoid being mistaken for counsellors by making it clear you don’t give a fuck about people or their problems.
FOR SALE: One parrot. Belonged to ex-girlfriend. Speaks words: “Quickly, he’ll be home soon”.
TIP: Find your Toby Young name by being a self-important right-wing dickwad and stating your name. Mine’s Nigel Farage.
I love potheads, they forget their own addresses but if you borrow their lighter, 5 hours later they can tell you which pocket you have it in.
TIP: Convince people that you are cabin crew by pulling a curtain around you when you put the kettle on.
My workmate: “I wonder what the odds are of a pantomime horse running in the Grand National?” Me: “I wouldn’t bet on it”
TIP: Ordering a Nutribullet? Save yourself bags of time by typing ‘please leave at back of cupboard’ in the delivery instructions.
Someone just tried to tell me a joke about Garry Kasparov. I said “not that old chess nut”.
I had an ‘out of body wash’ experience this morning.
TIP: Help decorate your miserable neighbour’s house in time for Halloween by releasing 100 spiders through their letterbox.
NEWS: Boris Johnson’s previous offer to lay down in front of bulldozers given as principal reason for Heathrow go-ahead.
Just in northern France. Well, jungle camp is less fun than it sounds.
Just thinking about that urban legend about David Seaman needing his stomach pumped after consuming too many almonds?
A man phoned and asked about ‘a recent accident that wasn’t my fault’, so I just spent the last two hours telling him all about Brexit.
Once again my wife has left so little petrol in the car that I can only get as far as the pub. It’s enough to drive me to drink.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I have palilalia.
The Weight Watchers website requires you to have cookies disabled.
NEWS: Vodafone fined £4.6m for serious customer care failures. Particularly towards people on pay-as-you-go-fuck-yourself accounts.
As the old saying goes, if you can’t say anything nice, there’s a good chance you’re Toby Young.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.