My wife threatened to leave me because of my addiction to poker. But I think she’s bluffing.
“Watch me get this baby up to 90 miles per hour!” ~ inventor of the infant catapult moments before his arrest.
I applied for a job at The Echo but I’m still waiting to hear back.
“Stocking up my Christmas booze” ~ me, to myself, every weekly shop
*hairdresser holds the mirror to the back of my head and half my skull is missing, brain exposed, blood pouring down the back of my neck*
Me: “Yeah, cool. Thanks”
I remember when I was a kid I could go to the shop with £1 and come home with 3 bags of chips, 2 bars of chocolate, 3 packs of Starburst and a can of Coke. Nowadays, fucking CCTV cameras everywhere.
My son has just seen the John Lewis advert and now he wants a wig for Xmas.
Calm the fuck down, read-only documents.
I’ve successfully used Tweetdeck, so yes – I reckon I could be an air traffic controller.
Since I’ve started setting small goals for myself, it’s become increasingly difficult to find the top corner from 25 yards.
Hi, welcome to Assumptions Club. I think we all know why we’re here.
Are rhetorical questions really so great?
I’m currently in a world of pain. Weirdest French theme park ever.
Woman at bar: “That man has been making overtures all night”
Bouncer: “Ok buddy, let’s go”
Tchaikovsky: “Please, I’m trying to concentrate”
Yeah sure, Elton made a success of the piano thing, but his idea of being a sculptor was very short lived.
I went to school with Angus Young. He hasn’t changed.
Me on phone: “This is the worst possible time to dump me Margaret”
Tattoo artist: “I’m not quite done so I could make it say I love margaritas”
TIP: Journalists. Save time by not using the word ‘Unexploded’ before the words ‘World War II bomb’.
10 Facts About Electric Eels:
(#7 will shock you)
TIP: Pretend you are a snail by slowly reversing inside your house if anyone touches your eyeball.
Been on holiday. The tour of the local postcard factory was ok, but nothing to write home about.
All that I want for Christmas is an end to rampant, consumerist, must-have culture which is destroying our beautiful planet. Ooh, and an iPad Pro.
TIP: Walk about the beach carrying an ironing board to make people in the distance think you’re a surfer.
“What do we want?”
“Passive-aggressive behaviour”
“When do we want it?”
“Never mind, you’re clearly too busy”
[in bed]
Me: “Are you close?”
Her: *eating KitKat layer by layer* “Don’t rush me, Kevin”
My 3 year old nephew Peter is going on Dragons’ Den to pitch a flatbread business. Looking forward to the pitta patter of tiny Pete.