Those people who come up to you and say ‘Jesus loves you.’ Great, but it really is the last thing I want to hear in this Mexican jail.
My friend got caught smuggling children’s TV memorabilia through Customs. He could have got away with it but he dropped a clanger.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Shit! One of the kids just poked me in the eye while the other was twisting my ear and now I’m back to factory settings.
People who ride the underground all day trying to fare evade. Where do they get off, eh?
Your local pub showing the FA Cup? Pretend you’re Prince William by shaking hands with everyone and getting them to sing about your nan.
Martin Tyler: “That’s a good decision from the referee – he’s let one go”. Must be the nerves.
Earlier this evening I asked you all to send me some wrestling terms. Thanks for all your submissions.
Breaking: Gary Barlow to check into rehab to address his ‘randomly turning up at weddings’ addiction.
My boss calls me ‘The Computer’. Nothing to do with intelligence, I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
“Thanks for calling Army Drill Sergeants Direct. Press 1 to speak to an instructor” *1*
“I SAID PUSH 1, NOT ASK YOUR BABY SISTER TO PUSH 1!”
I once went out with this gorgeous nymphomaniac. We used to have 6-hour marathon sex sessions every night until it went pear-shaped.
Welcome to Atheist Club. We are a non-prophet organisation.
Me doing the dishes is like my wife giving me a handjob. We both fumble around until one of us says “It’d be quicker if I finished it myself”.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you”.
“Please don’t be alarmed!” ~ A working burglar, talking to himself.
TIP: Victorians. Make your bicycle easier to ride by having it converted to a ‘penny-penny’.
“What have I let myself in for?” ~ Forgetful burglar.
The Queen’s Speech reveals plans to extend the right-to-buy-to-sell-to-private-landlords-to-rent scheme.
Breaking: Tony Blair steps down as Middle East ‘Peace Envoy’ to begin new role as FIFA ‘Ethics Advisor’.
Have you been in an accident that wasn’t your fault? No it never is, is it? You’re just like your father. Call disappointedmothers4u.
Just watching Sunday Brunch. I hope Tim Lovejoy spends all of this cookery segment talking to Richard Blackwood about when he got his shit chute rinsed out on Channel 5.