When I was a kid I was scared of the dentist. He was a paedophile.
TIP: When watching a sex scene in a movie with your parents, lighten the awkwardness in the room by asking: “Dad, is your dick as big as that guy’s?”
My toaster has two settings:
1. Anaemic
2. Me, standing in my front garden. wearing a tin foil blanket, coughing
My alcoholism started as a kid when my father used to pour me advocaat, a twist of lime and lemonade. I suppose it just snowballed from there.
I asked the wife if we might try a little role play to spice things up. She agreed to play nurse. I’ve been lying on this fucking trolley in a corridor for five hours, now.
FACT: If you get on a train and ask someone: ‘Is this train going to (insert any destination)’ they MUST answer ‘I hope so!’. Then you MUST both laugh.
I’ve literally never talked to a dog in my real voice.
[court]
Lawyers: “Did you kill him?”
Me: “No”
Lawyer: “You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?”
Me: [lips on the mic] “Much less than murder”
I remember the first time I put my hand in a crocodile’s mouth, and I’ve been hooked ever since.
I like to put cold callers at ease by saying “Berlin told me in 1974 that this number was safe. Your resourcefulness in finding it intrigues me. Proceed”.
What position is it in football where my son tries to find a four leaf clover?
Coffee mugs do a lot of heavy lifting when it comes to personality in the workplace.
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
The most important thing I’ve learned in life, and I can’t stress this enough: you’ve got to make a salad in a bigger bowl than you think.
I put on a blindfold and ear defenders to see if it would heighten my senses, but it actually made me temporarily deaf and blind.
Wife: “No, it’s cool. You go ahead and go out with your mates tonight”
Narrator: “But it wasn’t cool”
First person to write a novel: ‘What if I just lie about stuff for like 400 pages and then sell it’.
Remember, an angry swan can break a child’s arm. So can a frozen chicken if you throw it hard enough.
Dentist: *holding drill* “With this procedure, there might be some blood”
Me: “Why?”
Dentist: *drills right through my hand* “I’m drunk as fuck”
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals:
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Interviewer: “Where is your CV?”
Me: “I forgot it”
Interviewer: “Seriously?”
Me: “Yeah”
Interviewer: *under breath* “You had one job”
Me: “Oh, so you’ve seen it then”