You don’t know how to properly recycle cardboard? Let me break it down for you.
*inventing braille*
Me: “So we use little bumps so the blind can read with their fingertips. We can just arrange the bumps in the shape of the lett–” Boss: “Completely arbitrary bumps! I LOVE IT!”
I was standing in the queue in Tesco’s earlier having a good feel when I felt a lump on a testicle. Luckily, it wasn’t mine.
I tried to download all the plans for my house off my iPhone. Everything but the kitchen synced.
“Are you getting your hair cut this year?” ~ a travel agent making small talk.
By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down. Yeah we wept, when we remembered Zion. Worst. Picnic. Ever.
There’s been a lot of inbreeding in my family. For example, I’ve got a third cousin, twice removed from my second cousin.
Me: “I killed a homeless guy when I was 13”
Friend:
Me:
Friend: “I meant your secret to weight loss”
Looks like I’ve got a date for my colonoscopy. Although she’d probably prefer the cinema.
[during sex]
Me: *groping breasts* “You like that?”
Girl: “Yep, do it to me next”
I realised I was getting old when I stopped sneaking out of bed to go to parties and started sneaking out of parties to go to bed.
My best friend was killed with a starting pistol today. Police think it may be race-related.
I bought some sugar free muesli. It turns out that sugar’s the only bit of the muesli that I’ve been enjoying all these years.
The worst part about church is my priest’s altar ego.
Robert Mueller’s by-the-bookness is so irritating. He needs a partner who doesn’t play by the rules but gets results.
You’ll never be as wrong as the guy who named it ‘blow job’.
I like my women like I like my men: with full human rights and autonomy over their own bodies.
It’s a bit of an unfair advantage UEFA have given Arsenal by recreating the old Highbury atmosphere.
Mueller: “Did ANYONE do the reading assignment?”
Warren: *raises hand*
Mueller: “Anyone OTHER than Elizabeth?”
Me: “Loving this juice cleanse”
Wife: “That’s sangria”
When girls say they are “running errands” they’re actually at TJ Maxx sniffing candles for 45 minutes.
The wife calls me ‘Turbine’ because I’m a big metal fan.
Me: “£20 on pump three please”
Cashier: “That’s the cheese dispenser”
The toughest job I ever had was an alleyway cardboard box stacker, and giant pain of glass deliverer in 70s New York.
My gambling addiction cost me my marriage. Or, as I like to think of it, won me a divorce.