My wife told me to talk dirty to her last night, so I called her a whore. She made me pay for that.
My mother is French and my Great Grandfather hailed from Krakow. So, not only am I half frog, I’m a tad Pole also.
Breaking: Professor Green, Jason Orange and Simply Red have been arrested for trafficking.
Open top bus for sale contact…
Anfield Rd, Liverpool L4 0TH
0151 260 6677.
My wife came home in a good mood today. She’d met an old school friend who’s fatter than her now.
Just reading about the Middle East. Incredible to think that Sunni and Shia once sung ‘I Got You, Babe’.’
“I think Liverpool will win 2-1”
“Care to make it interesting?”
“Ok, I think Liverpool will win 2-1, then Brendan Rodgers will be savaged by sex crazed badgers”.
‘Monumental’ ~ A Jamaican passes judgement on someones psychiatric wellbeing.
Is Julian Assange still in that embassy? He’s got to be sick of Ferrero Rocher by now.
We tried to deliver a ‘Knock knock’ joke, but you weren’t in. Please collect the punchline from our depot from 7am – 3pm, Monday – Thursday.
Jodie Foster has married her girlfriend. Now these rumours about her possibly being a lesbian are only going to get worse.
Just took the Lurpak Spreadable out the fridge in case I fancy a sandwich next week.
The Tories should just admit that what they’d really like to do about the unemployed is hunt them for sport.
My psychiatrist told me I have Schizophrenia and rage issues. So we beat the shit out of him.
Just successfully bled a radiator so I’ll be speaking in a slightly deeper voice for the rest of the day.
My wife has gone to IKEA for the 4th time this week. I think she has stock home syndrome.
Apparently the jury in the Max Clifford trial was hung. Rub it in, why don’t you.
I wonder if there’s any money in the rap game. Come on, rappers – if you’re doing OK, let us know.
If Operation Yewtree has taught us anything, it’s that pretty much everyone who looks like a sex offender is one.
Max Clifford hung jury/tiny penis joke for sale. One careful owner. Would suit first-time tweeter. No time wasters.
TIP: Prove how much you like your friends by immediately pissing on them if they ever catch fire.
I can’t believe Max Clifford turned out to be a sleazy scumbag. It’s come to something when you can’t even trust a professional liar.
I have a confession to make. I haven’t once, and nor will I ever, tell the person I’m with that you said “Hi”.
My wife pointed out a man affectionately kissing his wife and asked why I don’t do that. I said it’s because I don’t know her well enough.
If you’re German and you know it clap, you’re Hans.
My sister has fallen for a karate Black Belt. He swept her off her feet.