I put the anal in overanalysing the composition of words.
NEWS: ‘RVP sits on the bench on a rainy night at Old Trafford.’ Fergie says, “The boy could’ve been drowned!”
I see the government is finally going to compensate thalidomide victims with £80 million. About time they stumped up.
I have a special trick I do with my tongue when I want to have sex with the wife. I use it to lie and tell her that I love her.
My New Year’s resolutions are:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I’m not saying your wife’s fat but if you asked me to name my five fattest friends, she’d be three of them.
Sure, I remember playing doctor as a kid. What I remember most is all the little girls asking me to send them to a specialist.
I will always believe that the New Year Honours are an outmoded, archaic and irrelevant relic of the class system. Until I’m offered one.
TIP: Two short honks of the horn makes for the perfect car-based goodbye when being waved off by your hosts.
In America, darts audiences shout ‘GET IN THE BOARD!’ before each throw. Fucking annoying.
Hearing someone shout ‘Hey you! Don’t watch that, watch this!!’ is often the first sign of Madness.
TIP: For a fun thing to do under twenty quid, stick two tenners to your ceiling and have a wank.
Brendan Rodgers might struggle to force himself back into the Liverpool line-up, after this display.
I only have one New Year’s resolution – not to share my plans with the internet. Fuck.
In 2013 I’m going to put all my eggs in one basket. Hopefully I won’t look such a cunt in Tescos.
I’ve just been shown how to use pressure on a wound to stop bleeding. Now I know what to do if the mother in law grazes her neck.
My favourite yoga position at yoga class is the Forward Facing Guy Masturbating In The Back Row.
My new girlfriend said “I’m sorry, but I just faked having an orgasm”. I said “That’s okay, because I faked caring if you actually had one”.
That weed was so strong that I started writing this joke yesterday.
Forget the clitoris, I can’t even find the fucking woman.
Don’t you hate it when the whole cinema is empty, but some twat sits right next to you? I know you do, that’s why I do it.
If stealing electricity to power your phone is illegal then I’m guilty as charged.
Just reading that a man has invented a machine purely to steal liquorice. It takes all sorts.
Someone has spray painted ‘wlel’ on the side of my house. That’s well out of order.
Scottish police have found a body in the hunt for a missing Skye walker. Christ, I hope it’s not Luke.
The MailOnline has accused the BBC of dumbing down. My irony meter has just exploded.