Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got an obvious erection. “Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog, sir” said the vet.
Not sure who came up with the spelling of ‘phlegm’ but phuck thegm.
Just hearing that Trevor Baylis has apparently been awarded the CBE for one of his inventions. Must be some kind of wind-up?
When I read about the shocking level to which standards of adult literacy are falling, my finger nearly slipped off the page.
“Would you like to hear my impersonation of Mick Hucknall?”
“Yes I would.”
“Oh, fair play. Yours is better”.
ENTER PASSWORD
pl@yingwiththeb0ys
INCORRECT
Play1ngwiththeboys
INCORRECT
play1ngw1thTheB0ys
INCORRECT. YOU HAVE EXCEEDED KENNY LOGGINS
Just saw the Chubby Checker movie. Loved the big twist at the end.
“HEY CALEB, YOUR COW IS INFERTILE AND YOUR SISTER LIKES DANCING” ~ Amish trash talk.
Can anyone help me with my Christmas crossword puzzle? 2 across. “Where they nailed Jesus.”
Christians: “God works in mysterious ways.” Yes, that’s why he watches people masturbate rather than feeding the starving children in Africa.
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
“Mother fucker…you don’t know me!” ~ me to mother fuckers that don’t know me.
I like to make things awkward. For example, when a colleague blows me a kiss, I’ll catch it, then put it on my cock. *never breaks eye contact*
FACT: The sweariest animal in Africa is the hippopottymouth. Closely followed by the fucking giraffe.
I’ll never forget the moment when my wife told me she wanted a divorce. I was having a shit at the time. She was having a bath.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’m a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he’s known in Zimbabwe, three and a half million dollars.
Damn girl, are you my laptop keyboard? Cos I just spilled a drink on you and now you’re unresponsive.
[A guide to 1st dates]
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
Scientists are working around the clock to calculate the exact size of the giant fuck nobody gives about anyone else’s New Year resolutions.
A black James Bond? Wouldn’t work. He’d be pulled over every 15 minutes for driving an Aston Martin.