RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already. Always in my thoughts.
Some prick keeps setting off fireworks in the street at the moment. My dog hates fireworks. He thinks they’re too commercialised.
So it turns out that Dirty Dancing isn’t about a man who shits himself in a discotheque after all. My apologies.
I’ve recently been a stuntman in a couple of films. Nothing major, just a couple of small rolls.
Last night a bloke in the pub sold me a baby Stegosaurus for £400. I don’t know how pissed I was but when I woke up this morning it’s just a fucking cat with a Toblerone superglued to its back.
Did You Know?: By the time he was only five years old, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart had written the Chilcot Report.
FACT: It was Noel’s brother, Liam Coward, who famously sang: Mad dogs and Englishmen go out in the midday Sunshiiiiiiiiiiiiine!
Just put all my female sheep in one group. Ewe herd.
I’m planning to write a book about the difficulties of watching Pride and Prejudice dubbed into French. It will be called L’Austen Translation.
*On Desert Island Discs*
Kirsty Young: “And your luxury item?”
Me: “Oooh, a tampon please”.
The greediest man in Iran is Ayatollah Pies.
The best thing about Halloween is definitely the slutty PVC costumes. Still not made my mind up which one I’ll wear tonight.
For Halloween I’m dressing up as my potential and getting wasted.
Lamar Odom has to be the first man in history to save his marriage by almost dying in a brothel.
If you’re feeling down about your love life, remember that salmon swim hundreds of miles upstream to jack-off on a pile of eggs and die.
Me: “I’m meeting the mother-in-law at a tube station in Westminster” Mate: “Aldwych?”
Me: “She has her moments, but she’s not that horrible, mate”.
Bruce Jenner winning Women Of The Year just proves that men are better than women at everything. Including being a women.
Sorry I scat sang your dad’s eulogy.
I haven’t got where I am today with hard work and dedication.
Authorities in Beijing advised that the earthquake last night was nothing to worry about. It was just the start of China’s two child policy.
Please don’t allow the cynical commercialisation of Halloween to obscure its true message about rotting corpses eating people’s brains.
By the way, thanks for the £1000 loan. I don’t know how I can ever repay you.