Just seen someone who has ordered the words ‘MUM’ in a stretched black limo from a florist out for delivery the posh bastard.
I said to the wife this morning “I was just reading in the Guardian that blades of grass can actually feel pain, amazing isn’t it?” She said “Nice try dickhead. The lawnmower’s in the shed”.
“Look mum, no hands!” ~ Abu Hamza.
Guy goes to a tattooist and says “Will you tattoo an Indian on my back ?” The tattooist says “No problem mate”, and starts tattooing away. After about three hours the guy says “And can you put a big tomahawk in his hand?” The tattooist says “Give me a chance mate, I’m still doing his fucking turban”.
God: “I gave you my son”
Man: “You mean your only son?”
God: *thinking about his other son who dropped out of a Visual & Performing Arts program to travel and find himself* “Yes”
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[first draft of my erotica book]
“There they were, looking sexy as heck. As he thought about porning her, she porned the hell out of him. They porned all night and looked very pornographic doing as such”
Dad: “Please help find my daughter”
Detective: “What does she look like?”
Dad: *scrolling through 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters* “I D… I DON’T KNOW”
I caught my 7 year-old son about to steal a biscuit from the cupboard. I said “Oy! I wouldn’t do that if I was you son”. He said “No, but you’d put your cock in Auntie Sarah’s arse while mum was at work, wouldn’t you?”I said “There’s some chocolate ones in the fridge son, take a couple”.
The wife just asked me whether I love football or her the best. I said “Open your legs and I’ll show you!” Best nutmeg you’ll so all season.
[during sex]
Me: “Yeah, you like that?”
Her: “Mmhmm, yeah”
Me: *stopping abruptly and pointing at his mood ring* “Then why is that white?”
My doctor thinks I’m hot. She said “fever” but I’ll take it.
When my wife found out I’d swapped our bed for a trampoline for a joke, she hit the fucking roof.
I’m at an advanced yoga class and want to leave. It’s really put me in an awkward position.
Fact: 30% of parenting is just asking “Why is this wet?”
What idiot described Mick Hucknall’s relationship status as ‘joined in marriage’ and not simply ‘wed’?
*inhales helium from balloon*
“Your mum and I are getting a divorce…”
Me: ”I’m hungry”
WebMD: ‘Stomach cancer’
Fact: Running was invented in 1612 by Thomas Running when he tried to walk twice at the same time.