Just gave a riveting talk to my son’s school assembly on how to correctly examine your testicles. I had them in the palm of my hand.
I think we’ve all had a ‘Sliding Doors’ moment. For me, it was when I got my cock caught in some sliding doors.
Thank god the drive-in cinemas are reopening. Might see if Cunningham, Potsie and the Fonz fancy a night out.
TIP: Convince people you can expertly play the bagpipes by picking up a set of bagpipes and having a fucking stab at it.
TIP: Daily Mail Columnists. Don’t forget to mutter “you couldn’t make it up” whilst making shit up. Throws them off the scent.
If anyone knows how to lace up Dr. Martens. My DMs are open.
I just googled ‘missing medieval servant boy.’ Page not found.
One time I drank champagne from a stripper’s shoe and promptly passed out. I later found out it had been laced.
My Australian mate was telling me that last year he failed his exam in Aboriginal music. I said “Didja redo?”
Q: What’s white and fluffy and sounds like an owl?
A: A towel.
This is sad. Just reading that statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
[interview]
“So can I ask you to tell me why you want the job, in just three words?” “Sure. ‘Why want job?'”
We’re gonna have to retire the expression “avoid it like the plague” because it turns out humans do not do that.
Wife: “Can you pick the kids up from school?”
Me: *blowing on the coffee in my ‘Worlds Best Dad Quarter Finalist’ mug* “Sure, which school do they go to?”
In Northumberland if you’re being furloughed it means there’s someone behind you.
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots of brandy and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The barman says “Why are you drinking so fast?” The guy says “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.” The barman says “What do you have?” The guy says “38p”.
Who’s your favourite Bond? Mine is James Bond.
Fawlty Towers faces criticism for ‘outdated material’, due to its depiction of a thriving hospitality industry.
I first met my wife on a picket line. She was striking.
Just to let you know that tonight’s Gandalf Convention has been cancelled due to a staff shortage.
“My father died from mineral exposure”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated”
Please spare a thought for a lonely, unloved, angry, frightened little boy who is just six years old. He’s trapped in the body of Donald Trump, which is 74 today.
So here I am, dressed as an 18th century Nun, watching Bruce Willis movies. Old habits, die hard.
I just had a bath in sparkling French water, run by my fizzy eau therapist.