My boss collared me at work this morning. He said “One of your team has complained about you. She says you never listen to her, and treat her like a sex object”. I said “I bet I know who it is”. He said “Go on then. Who?” “I don’t know her name, but it’s her with the fucking huge tits”.
Regrets, I’ve had a few. But then again, I always get regretful when I’ve had a few.
There’s nothing worse than getting a Cranberries song stuck in your head, in your heeeeeeead, in your heeeeeeead…
Me: “You ever get half way through a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol?” Bank teller: “Something about a gun…”
I now pronounce you /’hʌzbənd/ and /waɪf/
FACT: John Kay, the lead singer with Steppenwolf, was born Toby Wilde.
Psychic: “You wanted to talk to your father?”
Me: “Yes”
Psychic: …
Me: …
Psychic: “I’m not hearing anything”
Me: [whose dad was a mime] *tearing up* “That’s him”
I hate people who bang on about their phobias. I have terrible fear of heights, but you won’t find me shouting about it from the rooftops.
If you have time I’ll tell you my joke about lettuce. It’s a little gem.
TV Gold. 9pm. Karrot & Corryander. With 1980s TV crime solving pair, John Karrot and Julie Corryander.
Sometimes I wonder what happened to the people who asked me for directions.
Looking at my bank balance and I think I’m about to have an accident at work that wasn’t my fault.
Girlfriend: “I want to spice things up”
Me: “You know I’m allergic to chilli”
Girlfriend: “I meant in the bedroom”
Me: “I can’t eat it anywhere in the house Carol”
Me: “When I was on my run I got bitten by a Great Dane”
Girlfriend: “My god, imagine if it would have been a small child” Me: “I think I could have fought off a small child Carol”
Spices were first brought to Europe in the Middle Ages. And some of them are still at the back of my cupboard.
Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* “These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts” Taco Bell Manager: “You need permission to film in here”
[barbers]
“What can I do for you today?”
*whispers* “I don’t want a haircut. I’ve heard you sell cheap cigarettes, but I want to be certain that the ingredients are legit” “Assure tobacco insides?”
“I said I don’t want a haircut”
Just been on a day trip with the Conspiracy Theorist Society. We went to see the Blackpool Illuminati.
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
I’m not as good at collecting iPods as I used to be. I think I’ve lost my Touch.