FACT: Chubby Checker invented the BMI index.
An ex-girlfriend saying “Can we still be friends?” is like your kidnappers saying “Keep in touch”.
For every boss who called me careless I have one word for you: ‘Fuck off!'”
The best thing about the internet is you can make shit up” ~ Oscar Wilde.
I’m getting pissed off with my new psychiatrist. I’m sure he’s only treating my paranoia for the money.
Q: Is it just me or do an abnormally large amount of girls make their first porno on their 18th birthday?
The only time a guy cares about a girl’s hair is when she’s tying it up to give him a blowjob.
Well, that date was a disaster. I honestly thought it was edible underwear.
Nostradamus PLC have just issued a prophet warning.
I hate the way pillow & duvet salesmen talk down to you.
I go through suits like they’re going out of fashion. This one already has, it was my dad’s.
Have you seen the agenda for the Beach Boys 50th anniversary tour? USA, Canada, Spain, Germany, Sweden, Japan, Singapore. They get around.
My wife said to me “I wish you’d play with me like you do with computer games” So I did. I cheated on her.
A mate of mine entered a competition and won a trip to India. He’s out there at the moment. Trying to win a trip back.
“..By the rivers of Babylon, there we sat down. Yeah we wept, when we remembered Zion..” ~ Worst. Picnic. Ever.
Walking in on your parents having sex is very distressing. Although, your parents were more concerned that I had keys to their house.
I’ll always be a eurosceptic. Unless somebody can show me irrefutable evidence that Europe actually exists.
I just came across an old picture of my Mum. I disgust myself.
“Eleanor Rigby – puts on a face that she keeps in a jar by the door”. Er… *phones police*
“They said they’d kill us unless one of us does a poo and the other one ties this rope!” “Really?” “I shit, you knot!”
Off to watch The Pact. It’s a film about the Northern Line.
Women – not all blokes are talking to you because they want to get in your pants. Sometimes they want to get in your friend’s pants.
Turn your caravan into a static caravan by rubbing it on your jumper.
Got off with this Thai lady last night. She had an 8 inch clitoris.
Looks like I’ll be spending a night in the cells – most complicated spreadsheet EVER.
“A little less conversation, a little more action, please.” ~ Elvis-loving mime artist on a first date.
Scientists believe they are now very close to announcing a new word for boffin.
If allegations he hit a photographer are true, Justin Bieber faces spending up to six months on the naughty step.
A simple comma makes all the difference between ‘Call me, cocksucker’ and ‘ Call me cocksucker’.
My school was so rough that the school magazine had an obituary column.
My wife has been missing for two weeks now and people have started asking questions. Mainly “Why are you so happy?”
Didier Drogba’s decision to leave Chelsea has resulted in the club releasing 4 medical staff, 2 stretcher bearers and a drama teacher.
Apparently the next person to turn the Liverpool job down will have his dole stopped.
Breaking: 12 athletes have been banned from competing in the Paralympics. They all tested positive for WD40.
FACT: The great Phil “The Power” Taylor has an equally great partner called Brian “The Responsibility” Stephens.
Kleenex Man Size: Because cum is thicker than snot.
I was chatting up a bird online earlier. She said “I’m curvy, voluptuous and cuddly”. I said “and I’m not stupid, fatty”.
When I take people into my bedroom I say “This is where the magic happens.” Because I sawed my wife in half there once.
Gareth Barry has been ruled out of England’s Euro 2012 squad after Roy Hodgson gave up trying to say his name.
We have a chancellor who thinks about pasties more than we do.
A colleague just used the phrase ‘go for the low hanging fruit’. So I kicked him in the plums.
“My wife caught me wearing her knickers and was a bit peeved”. “Crotchety?” “No room at all, balls hanging out like spaniel’s ears.”
Does my bum look big in this?” (Women) “Does my cock look small in this?” (Men).
The Australian National Union of Students. That name has a ring to it.
I was out like a light the moment my head hit the pillar.
Decided to make today more exciting by shouting ‘YOU HAVEN’T SEEN THE LAST OF ME’ every time I leave a room.
I always carry a burglar alarm around with me in case I pass one of the bastards in the street.
Yesterday was great – first, I got my haircut. Then I cut my toenails. And then I had a fantastic meal with all the trimmings.
Bittersweet day for Greggs, the pasty is saved on the same day Britain’s fattest teenager is forced to go on a diet.
“Dad, where’s mummy?” “She’s gone to live with Jesus.” “What! Mummy’s dead?! “If only. No, she’s moved in with some greasy spic.
TIP: “Recreate the Leveson Inquiry by inviting prominent terrorist targets round and getting your mate Barry to do security.
If you’re the kind of person who worries about the Pasty Tax, then the Pasty Tax is the least of your worries.
Is poverty history yet? If so, can I take off this wristband now?
Now let’s have a U-turn on the Granny Tax. But only for the hot ones.
TIP: Ladies. Keep cool in this hot weather by washing the dishes in cold water.
Chubby Checker is also one of the best paid jobs in the Viagra testing facility.
Q: Why is it that people with amnesia never forget that they have amnesia?
I watched the Chubby Checker story last night, there’s a big twist at the end.