Interviewer: “You wrote here that you’re not a good listener, care to elaborate?” Me: “I’d say my attention to detail”
This morning outside the tube station I saw two hooded youths confront an old man – I thought they were going to mug him but instead they gave him back the wallet he’d just dropped – the whole thing made me think, what’s the biggest lie you’ve ever made up just to get retweets?
Interviewer: “How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?” Me: “That’s when I went to Yale”
Interviewer: “That’s impressive. You’re hired”
Me: “Thanks. I really need this yob”
I just completely forgot the word ‘hypochondriac’. What’s wrong with me?
Ten years ago we had Steve Jobs, no cash and Johnny Hope and Bob Jobs and Steve aghhh I don’t know how this joke works Mayday Mayday bailing..
I had no idea she was a fan of Tommy Cooper and The Monkees … but then I saw her Fez.
Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids in for repair. I’ve heard nothing since.
*ordering cake over phone*
Bakery: “And what would you like the cake to say?”
Me: *covers phone to ask wife* “Do we want a talking cake?”
I always avoided unwanted pregnancies by using the pull-out method. It’s where I pulled out my acoustic guitar at parties and literally no one ever wanted to have sex with me.
Just got back from Fight Club. It was really fun! Got there late so missed the rules being read out but I’m sure it was nothing important.
A wife is sitting at her husband’s funeral. A man leans in and says “Do you mind if I say a word?” “No, go right ahead” the woman replies. The man stands, clears his throat and says “Plethora” and sits back down. “Thanks” the woman says, “that means a lot”.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I just walked by a river where someone was shouting “I can’t swim! I can’t swim!” Well, I can’t use chopsticks but do you see me going on about it?
Me: “I’m quite vocal during sex”
Her: “LOL that’s ok”
[later in bed]
Me: *through megaphone* “Stop animal testing!!”
I can’t believe someone’s stolen all the tiles from my Scrabble set. I just can’t find the words.
FACT: Danny Ings’ full name is Daniel Ingredients.
My local golf shop is selling all stock to stay in business. The putters, drivers and irons are all gone, but they’re not out of the woods yet.
My late grandad may not have had much as a simple circus clown, but he sure left some big shoes to Phil.
I like my men like I like my gems. Uncut.