Hey stranger, at least wait until I’m out of earshot before asking someone else for the same directions.
I’ve just treated the old woman next door. That’ll teach her to peer over the fence when I’m creosoting it.
BHS goes into administration, leaving millions of Brits nowhere to buy Christmas presents for the relatives they never speak to.
When the postman arrives, our parrot shouts “Give it to me, Gary” in my wife’s voice, which is odd, as usually I sign for parcels.
I just know I’m going to have sore feet, and chafed thighs and nipples tomorrow. I should never have agreed to a day with John Whittingdale.
Instead of saying “Prince transcended race” you can just say “I’m sort of racist, but I also like Prince”.
My wife and I have an agreement with our 7 year old daughter: Don’t wake us up early on the weekend and we won’t abandon you in a shopping centre.
I’m at fancy dress party and someone’s turned up in the same jigsaw costume. I’m in pieces.
Disappointed I lost that trampolining competition. I’ll bounce back.
There’s a man on this train not using any devices. He’s just looking out of the window. People are eyeing him suspiciously. Three have moved away from him.
“Have I got ‘gum’ written on my forehead?” ~ a disgruntled ambulance driver.
Being sure to look at every single sandwich before choosing the same one as always.
I get all my best ideas in the bath. And it brings a welcome touch of informality to most meetings.
I just got overcharged for a jelly. It was daylight wobbly.
“Sometimes I feel like you don’t really listen to me when I talk,” said my son or daughter.
Can’t read a bloody word these doctors have written on their placards.
We now have a government so far to the right that doctors can be seen as dangerous radicals.
Farmer: “I love my job”
Wife: “But all you do all day is round up cows”
Farmer: “What did you say to me?”
Wife: “You herd”
Wife: “You stole my olives”
Waiter: “I did not”
Wife: “And my coleslaw”
Waiter: “Nope”
Wife: [to me] “Back me up here”
Me: “Look, I’m not taking sides”
After news of the Hillsborough verdict Lord Chilcot praises the speed of British justice.
What do you mean you only sell Jack-in-the-boxes? Are you some kind of wind up merchant?
Snow has arrived in Central London but it doesn’t look like it will settle as it doesn’t have £90,000 for a deposit.
Sometimes I like to shout “no” from the back of the supermarket queue when the cashier asks my ex-wife if she collects loyalty points.