A simple way to understand the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’ is to fucking pay attention in school.
Grammar pedants bore me shitfewer.
The Five Stages of Beef:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. ASDA Smart Price Frozen Mince (£1.40)
5. Acceptance
Just going out on the town in Dublin. I’ve had a craic, baic & saic wax.
Hey, man shaking every last bit of petrol out of the nozzle. Get a room.
I used to think I was an owl until I met this brilliant therapist. I’ve never looked back.
Just looking into the health and safety aspects of making pancakes. I’m doing a whisk assessment.
When my doctor diagnosed me with surrealism I didn’t know what to candle wax forest upside down volcano coffin.
“Welcome to the Goose Adoption Line. Press 1 to take a gander.”
My wife hardly saw her wrestler father as a child and now obsessively collects old wrestling magazines. She has a lot of big daddy issues.
“I’ve bought some of those soap pads for the kitchen.”
“Brillo!”
“No need for sarcasm!”
In one respect pit bulls are the cleverest of all dogs: they’re usually the most intelligent in the household in which they live.
The wife is now singularly interested in nostril penetration as we try to vary our sex life. How she got into that, fuck only knows.
I can’t even begin to tell you about my difficulty in starting conversations.
Could the owner of the bright red, M-reg, Ford escort with the spoiler please save some pussy for the rest of us.
Trying out the new Indian in the village tonight – The Giant Peach. Their speciality is rolled dhal.
So I haven’t achieved much financially. Big deal. The important thing is: I’m not happy.
I would have to say that my greatest strength is my attentionto detail.
“…been spending most their lives gorging on a steak and mushroom slice…” – Coolio, Ginsters Paradise.
[WIFE WAKES FROM 6 MONTH COMA]
WIFE: “Who..who are you?”
ME: “Sorry, wrong room”.
FACT: There is no way to close your curtains without looking like you murdered everyone in your house.
I’ve just seen a really angry window cleaner effing and blinding as he wiped a pane with his shirt sleeve. I think he’s lost his rag.
Of course Maria Sharapova’s surname is what you would say to her if you heard her grunting over a walkie-talkie.
I’m currently helping Florence Griffiths-Joyner and Boris Johnson with their karate classes. I’ve got my FloJo BoJo dojo mojo working.
Photography Club like to meet up with Cheese Club from time to time, just to shoot the bries.