I’m thinking of getting a part-time job as a yoga instructor, I really need to stretch myself.
As a maths teacher, I was stunned when half a dozen pupils of mine failed their GCSE’s. I thought all nine of them would walk it.
I need to stop making things more complicated than they need to be. I’m adding that to my bucket Power Point presentation.
If I ever go to prison, I’m going to make DAMN sure that everyone knows my street name: Butthole Shark Teeth.
Confucius say “I’m sick and tired of people quoting me in a racist accent”.
My wife’s painting the hallway today but she’s a bit stuck on the front door, that’s where I come in.
Owing to an unfortunate childhood incident, I now have to pull a new face every time the wind changes direction.
I lost my job at a jelly factory for throwing a wobbler at the boss.
I’m worried about my mate who says he hears voices in his scrotum. Genuine psychiatric illness, or talking bollocks?
I don’t get why Balotelli is crying? A postman doesn’t cry when he cocks the post up.
I’m wearing Eau De Tourette, it fucking stinks.
If you’re after a job in Procurement, singing “Love Me Tender” at the interview always works.
Success has many fathers, but so did a boy in my class. His mum was a disgrace.
My mate claims to have the World’s best Tequila. I take that with a pinch of salt.
There’s a man in my surgery asking everyone in the waiting rooms lots of questions. He’s really testing my patients.
Due of a spelling error some of America’s most dangerous criminals are currently waiting at Heathrow.
A horse goes into a bar. The barman asks “You seem a bit down. Why’s that?” The horse replies “You’re new, aren’t you?”
If I had a pound for every time someone said I didn’t pay attention I’d have no idea how much I’d have at all.
TIP: Pretend you’re a giant tennis player by putting your baby in its high chair and then shaking its hand.
BBC NEWS: ‘Teenager named after nightclub attack’. Strange, I was named after my father.
There is no Eskimo word for ‘gullible’.
My wife just came back from the gym and said she did 30 crunches. Yeah, Nestlé crunches.
I’ve had my pencil and ruler stolen, just like when I was at school, though it’s impossible to draw parallels.
Do I prefer the carrot or the stick? To be honest, I’m not keen on any of The Spice Girls.
Some conspiracy theorists believe that Michael Jackson’s moonwalk wasn’t actually filmed in a Hollywood studio but was faked on the moon.
One of Margaret Thatcher’s achievements was to drastically reduce the number of people having sex with miners.
Not entirely sure why the kids call me ‘Quasimodo’, but I’ve got a hunch.
PC gone mad. I bought an old Snoopy annual at the bookstore. The wrapper on it said, “May Contain Peanuts”.
I’m looking to date a Russian gymnast. Those girls on the balance beam learn early on that 4 inches isn’t much to work with.
So Adele is pregnant. When that kid leaves home there’s a Grammy winning album right there.
Saw a man being slated by his wife on Jeremy Kyle. You can see who wears the tracksuit bottoms in their house.
A wind chime is an ideal gift for a friend who suffers from a fear of sleeping through gentle gusts of wind.
My wife said “If you throw enough shit some will stick”. I said “Can’t we just paint the kitchen?”.
I was talking to a fat girl with huge tits last night. “My eyes are up here” I said as she looked down at the kebab in my hand.
Me:”This strobe light you sold me doesn’t work properly.” The electrical shop assistant replied, “Have you tried switching it off and on?”
TIP: Teenagers. Get your parents to buy you a car for your 17th birthday by simply showing an interest in motorbikes.
It wasn’t me who just tweeted that fart joke.
My flatmate isn’t that bright. He went into town, so I asked him to get me a ‘Lean, Mean Grilling Machine’. He’s brought back Jeremy Paxman.
If you want to slap someone, do. Just shout ‘mosquito’ afterwards.
As much as I’m enjoying the Olympics I was hoping they’d have more than tennis and football.
Pedants need a spell in a correctional facility.
Whatever you do, don’t try to hail a cab while stopping a sneeze in Germany.
Malapropisms are spreading like wildflower.
I think it’s unhealthy in a relationship if you find you’re spending more than 40% of your time plotting your revenge.
I’ve just got myself a sex doll but I don’t want to fuck it yet. I’ll leave it a couple of days as I don’t want to seem desperate.
My wife says she’s going to a fancy dress party as a witch with a hairy wart on her nose. She could at least make an effort.
In all seriousness, don’t be sexist. Bitches hate that.
I saw this advert in a window that said: “Television for sale, £5, volume stuck on full.” I thought, “I can’t turn that down!”
My book about poltergeists flew off the shelves.
So Katie Holmes is divorcing Tom Cruise because she hates his movies. Apparently she found out that he’d been in ‘A Few Good Men’.
TIP: Recreate that ‘sat in the audience at a Jeremy Kyle show’ feeling by sitting in the order collection area at Argos.
“Last time I was drunk in Brighton I heaved in the street”. “It’s ‘hove’, actually”.
If they hadn’t invented symbols for punctuation fitting your tweets into 140 characters would have been much more difficult full stop
That weird awkward run you do when a car lets you cross the street.
I’m sad that Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. It was the age-old love story of beautiful girl meets ageing closet homosexual.
Tom Cruise & Katie Holmes are getting divorced. They should work at it, after all they did make their vows before the Galatic Overlord Xenu.
WARNING: Marijuana is a gateway drug which may eventually lead to yoga.
Sent via BlackBerry®