I overheard my therapist say she had some Country Living past issues in here, but I can’t find them.
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mum’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange woman.
I swear to fucking god if one more motherfucker says happy thanksgiving to me I will politely say it back and move on with my day.
My microwave has a timer that goes up to 95 minutes, just in case I wanted to heat up something hot enough to create a chain-reaction with the earth core.
I’m watching Pimp My Ride for the first time ever. No spoilers please.
I saw Daniel Day Lewis in my local supermarket today. He kept saying he was ‘an elderly woman’ and to ‘leave me alone’ but I knew it was him. Such a great actor.
I bet Trump’s Thanksgiving dinner will be one of the turkeys Obama pardoned.
You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you get thrown out of a pet store.
My little girl was crying because her hair kept going in her face. I told her she had to get a grip.
I had a really nice moment this morning with the postman as we held hands through the letterbox. Only slightly ruined by his screaming.
I did a joke about anal bleaching last night. Dyed on my arse.
One positive thing that has come out of this year is how reading the news now qualifies as cardio.
I love Powys in the Springtime.
*weeping*
“No no no this isn’t my husband’s body either!”
Cop: “I’m sorry this keeps happening Mrs. Doe”
News: Jack Maynard pulls out of I’m A Celebrity after allegations that nobody knew who he was.
I’ll let you in on a secret: I wasn’t really in the 1975 Chicago Track and Field team, it was just on my t-shirt when I bought it.
Anaesthetist: “Count backwards from 100”
Me: “100..99..98
…….. …….
Me: ..3..2..1..um *looks round* now what?”
Anaesthetist: [muffled] “You have to find me”
“You can hide but you can’t run” ~ Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids.
I just watched an entire movie without looking at my phone just like the early settlers.
How to open a packet of Wet Wipes:
1. Peel back flap
2. Gently pinch the first wipe
3. Pull out 40/50
4. Cram them back in, whilst calling it a twat
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh.
I’m eating for two now. My date has left the table to go to the toilet.
I don’t really remember sending out loads of self-addressed mail although it’s starting to come back to me.