Please stop asking me to endorse you on LinkedIn for ‘Persistence’.
Lord Rennard is threatening legal action against the Lib Dems? Someone’s a bit touchy.
They have some strange sayings in South Africa. The oddest is ‘a nipple a day keeps the doctor away’.
My secretary said “There’s a guy on the phone who says he’s Jamaican, but he sounds Scottish.” I said “That’ll be Jim Aitken, put him through”.
I’ve just invented a new word: ‘Plagiarism’.
I’ve got a job building robot waiters. It puts food on the table.
Currently looking for some pictures of golf courses by the sea. Anyone got any links?
My life is a constant repeat of that moment when you go to pick up a ball but accidentally kick it away.
Breaking: There’s been a major robbery at the London Guild of Pattern Makers. Police are still looking for a motif.
How do you know somebody has been in the armed forces? They fucking tell you.
I love being an anesthetist. As my patients go under, I love to call them by the wrong name and tell them not to worry about their vasectomy.
January 30th. Harry Redknapp collects his Range Rover from the garage following its service. He tests the electric windows. He is ready.
Haha! I’ve just fooled everyone at a golf club into thinking I got a hole in one by buying 63 people in the bar a drink. Fucking idiots.
TIP: In a supermarket? Don’t forget to reduce your normal walking speed by 40% and change direction as many times as humanly possible.
Listening to the Wurzel’s classical album, ‘I am a Chateau-Lafite Drinker’.
I’ve lost some money. If you’ve found some money, tell me how much, and I’ll tell you if it’s mine.
A drunk man has just walked into the pub, naked but for a pair of slipper socks. Totes awkward.
TIP: Recreate the magic of getting a Subway by chucking random items from your fridge into a bread roll. And then sitting on it.
My brother died from heavy cannabis use. He didn’t pay his dealer.
My brother is a burglar. When he robs houses at night he does it in Tudor clothes so if someone catches him, he can pretend it’s a ghost.
I’m in a taxi, Smooth Radio is on. Luckily it’s only a four mile journey so I’ll only hear the playlist twice.
Don’t delete your old tweets. They can be recycled and sent to developing countries, where there is a desperate shortage of jaundiced views and bigoted opinions.
TIP: Cinema goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.
FACT: It’s been the wettest January since sensationalist news headlines began.