To this day I can still hear the sound of my wife’s last gasping breath she took before she died. I should really change my ringtone.
In movies, the most important part of removing a bullet from someone is putting it in a metal dish afterwards for no reason.
(At Starbucks)
Barista: “May I take your order?”
My wife: “I’ll have a grande Italiano, dark, extra hot and slightly sweet. And tell him to bring me a coffee”.
[me in Currys]
“I’d like to buy some headphones”
“In-ear?”
“Well I’m fucking asking you aren’t I?”
TIP: Phone covers that double as credit card wallets are the perfect way to totally lose all your shit and leave you utterly fucked.
Trump’s body language with Merkel was weird because he doesn’t know how to interact with women without insulting or sexually assaulting them.
A dyslexic guy riding through the desert on a horse with no mane.
You know Trump is really trying to insult Angela Merkel when he won’t even shake her by the pussy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Lego you promised you’d pick up.
Can Obama at least have us on weekends?
Just been in Curry’s for a dictaphone. They gave me George Osborne’s phone number.
TIP: Convince people you’re old fashioned by disagreeing with them in person, in a reasoned way, without abuse.
Young people often ask me what advice I’d give to writers who’d like to look cool. I tell them ‘Pretend young people often ask your advice’.
Dear Mr Trump,
Did you read the shocking exposé of Mexican cows disguising themselves as American wildebeest?
Fake gnus!
I thought about running for President but I’m just not that into golf.
TIP: Always put a ‘Happy Birthday‘ banner on your front door when putting your glass recycling bins out.
TIP: Trigger your own personal Article 50 by doing something irreversible next Wednesday without really any idea why or how you’re going to do it.
Breaking: Arsenal to trigger Article 31, which begins the two-year process of separating Arsene Wenger from the club.
TIP: Fix loose keys on your keyboard with superglue, but take care notttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt
TIP: Footballers. Earn the nickname ‘The Professor’ by obtaining a GCSE in your spare time.
Really disappointed today. Though not as disappointed as when I finally managed to wangle my way into an illegal cock fighting ring.
Maybe a nap will cheer me up!” she said, knowing full well she’d wake up feeling like a prisoner of war who time-traveled in a sack of bees.