My grandfather had a lovely Irish brogue. I’ve often wondered why he didn’t buy the pair.
I don’t really mind sitting on the left or right of a rowing boat. Either oar.
All these women refusing my dick pics just don’t understand how hard it is to draw with this thing.
Going for a job in menswear today even though I’ve never done it before. At least I have the experience of wearing trousers under my belt.
“You forgot the attachment” ~ How people respond to my emails, and also my attempts to have relationships.
Some people say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They’re always like “Hey mate, we’re over here for fucks sake, you don’t even know those people?”
When I was younger, if I managed to play a whole piece uninterrupted my piano teacher would reward me with Schubert dib dabs.
“So, detective, you think she’s offloading the stolen sea-shells on the black market. But where?”
“It’s hard to say.”
TIP: Volkswagen. Put things in perspective by pointing out it’s not as if you fucked a dead pig in the face.
TIP: Recreate the joy of a Subway meal by simply placing random Tesco Basics food items between two sanitary towels.
The wife’s New Year’s Resolution was to lose 10 pounds before our holiday in October. Only 15 to go.
In the UK we call them lifts but in the US they call them elevators, because we’re raised differently.
Wanted: Efficiency Analyst. No time wasters.
I remember when I was trying to save my marriage I bought a waterbed to spice up our love life. It didn’t work. If anything we drifted further apart.
[doorbell rings]
“Oh that’ll be Steve”
“Steve from the pub, or nymphomaniac Steve?”
[cock slowly pokes through the letterbox]
I’ve got neufty neuf problems my struggle with learning basic french is número uno.
🎤 “German sausages to the left of me,
24 piece spanner sets to my right.
Here I am, stuck in the Lidl with you”.
Hey everyone, I’m Gary and I’m on instagram, facebook, twitter, youtube, tumblr and anti-depressants.
“Stop laughing at the back!” ~ Quasimodo the teacher.
NEWS: Australia to deny Chris Brown a visa, signalling dramatic reversal of 1788 immigration policy.
Have you ever had sex in a sleeping bag? It’s awful. You can’t move, you’re drenched in sweat, and to make it worse your scout master is covering your mouth.
Please don’t open up a new can of whoop ass when there is already an opened one in the fridge.
I avoid infections like the plague.