FILM IDEA: James Bond prequel where he has to do his theory test and only has a provisional licence to kill, so someone else has to hold the gun while he pulls the trigger.
The Beecham’s Powder I bought didn’t cure my cold as promised so I wrote them a snotty letter.
Waiter: “Would you like a little quiche before your main sir?” Me: “Ok, but no tongue”
I’ve got a date tonight. I read somewhere that first impressions count so I’ve been practising my Bruce Forsyth.
The thing I’m looking forward to the most after Brexit is barbers becoming doctors again.
Tough times financially for Meatloaf, who is now said to even be considering doing ‘that’.
I lost my numbered ticket in this waiting room and the receptionist just tore me a new one.
Me: “My mum’s here to visit”
Her: “Oh, did you meet her at the bus station?”
Me: “No, I’ve pretty much known her my whole life”
Exciting news. I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
My local Chinese restaurant is having an Adam Ant tribute act tonight. I can’t wait, his favourite number is ‘Prince Chow Mein, Prince Chow Mein, set meal for two is nothing to be scared of”.
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
I hadn’t had a sex for six months. My ex-girlfriend called and said she fancied a casual shag. I’m not saying I was keen to get there before she changed her mind but I did manage to set off two speed cameras on the way to her house. Quite impressive considering I was on foot.
ENDANGERED BIRDS REMAINING:
Bald Eagles: 5000
California Condors: 425
Chesney Hawks: 1 and only
Just because Bert and Ernie can fit an entire human forearm up their ass doesn’t mean you have to slap a label on them.
Might fuck around and pronounce the p in raspberry.
Take it from me; I have reverse kleptomania.
You don’t know how embarrassing your pals are until your in the front of the taxi and they are in the back.
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute.
Me, sending a text at 10pm: It’s fine, who goes to bed at 10pm? Me, getting a text at 10pm: What nocturnal fuckery is this?
My dad firmly believed that fat people should help themselves, which is why he ran a carvery.
My girlfriend says I’m paranoid. Well she doesn’t say it, but she thinks it.
Some girl I don’t even know has been telling people that I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship.