“How did you meet mum, dad?”
“I spotted a beautiful lady; Cupid fired his arrow, it missed and unfortunately hit your mother”
Why do guys go to bars to meet women? Just go to Sainsbury’s Homebase. There’s like ten women to every man and they’re already there looking for things they don’t need.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on Christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
I heard today that a man collapsed at the top of the London Eye. Doctors say he’s slowly coming round.
I’ve been invited to a fancy dress party where the theme is ‘Abstract Ethical Concepts’. I’m going to go as a matter of principle.
I just want to be rich enough to buy my underpants one at a time.
I took an epileptic colleague to a salad bar once. I had a Waldorf salad and she had a seizure.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for *SAVE* is still a floppy disk.
Seems strange that my dictaphone is suddenly full, although I may be reading too much into it.
Life is like a box of chocolates. In that I wish I had one.
My dad had an old fashioned typewriter. He used to swear by it. “Fuck this typewriter,” he’d say.
Me: “I’m going to fix the washing machine myself”
The wife: “Okay, I’ll just get onto AO.com and pick out a new one”
I rolled into work 20 minutes late this morning. Stupid really, if I’d walked I would’ve been on time.
Work is doing a ‘Biggest Loser’ contest so I’ve been nominating people all week. Then I found out it was actually a weight loss competition.
I deserve an Academy Award for the way I just searched the fridge with my son for his leftovers that I definitely ate.
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much.
My girlfriend told me she wanted to be treated like a princess. So I put her in the back of a Mercedes and drove into a wall.
David Davis appeared on TV with a bucket after vomiting moments earlier! The disgusting bile receptacle, just sat there during the interview. Next to the bucket.
A selfie so filtered you can only be recognised by dental records.
Caveman 1: “We need to leave behind stories for others to see” Caveman 2: “What should we do?” Caveman 3: “Let’s paint all the animals we hunt and our way of life” Me as a caveman: *drawing a huge dick* “And huge dicks”
I was on the train chatting up this girl when, somewhere between Hatfield and Knebworth, she suddenly got up and left. Thought I was Welwyn.