Flight attendant: “Would you like two peanuts?”
Me: “Please”
Flight attendant: “Thimble of cola?”
Me: “Ok”
Flight attendant: “Move your seat back 1/8 of an inch?”
Me: “Oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury”
FACT: Hot dogs were invented in 1936 by Larry Hotdogs when he accidentally dropped a bag of prize-winning pig assholes in his Dick Shaper Machine.
TIP: Just before you go to sleep, quietly slip on a clown mask just in case your wife wakes in the night with hiccups.
Let’s all show our appreciation for DPD and Hermes drivers at this time by clapping on our doorsteps tomorrow sometime between 7am and 8pm.
Seen lots of fun photo challenges on Facebook during quarantine. Let’s start one here. 5 consecutive days, 5 images: 1. Front of credit card
2. Back of credit card
3. Your driving licence
4. Named photo of your mother before she married
5. Scrap of paper with your PIN on
Go!
My friend and I have enrolled on an online hat making course. This time next year we’ll be milliners.
Saw something cute today: two elderly people in Sainsbury’s walking back and forth through the aisles obviously not there to buy anything just sort of on a date. It’s so heartwarming to see how people are adapting to lockdown rules. I almost regretted reporting them to the manager.
Me: “I developed your photos”
Her: “Can I have the negatives?”
Me: “Double chin, ugly sweater”
Her: “No I meant—”
Me: “A fringe”
Just rang the hospital to see how my Nan is getting on after using one of those new Dyson Ventilators. They said she’s picking up nicely.
Who would have thought that leaving things on people’s doorsteps, ringing the doorbell, and running away would prove to be so useful in adult life?
When Australia went on fire and a billion animals died, little did we realise it would be the high point of the year.
“It’s just like wartime” she thought, after waiting for eighteen minutes to enter Tesco Metro in order to purchase a bottle of Malbec and a large Toblerone.
The Queen threw a party to tell Charles he wouldn’t be king. She thought it would be a good opportunity to let her heir down.
Youths have stolen all the bus stop signs down my road. Where do they get off?
There’s no I in anxiety. Wait. Yes there is. Oh my god oh my god oh my god.
I once broke Tina Turner’s sofa. The pressure exerted by my bottom was over the butt-push settee limit.
I assume Trump wants to sign the Coronavirus checks because he’s always thought writing a check is a way to shut someone up after he screws them.