My new girlfriend said she’s leaving me because of my unpredictable mood. I swear to God I’m gonna slash my wrists. LOL.
Inventor: “I’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something” Me: “Ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
Doll: “I like you as a friend”
Me: …
Inventor: …
Me: “Do you have anything less realistic?”
The annoying guy who lives in the flat below me is struggling to hang out his washing. If he carries on like this I’m going to take him down a peg or two.
Some of the filthy fucking whores in work have complained about my attitude towards them.
My boss said to me “Don’t get me angry. You won’t like me when I’m angry.” I said “It’s ok, I don’t like you now”.
Just going through all my old diaries from 1985 to 2000. To be honest I wish I’d filled them in now.
My wife and I have different ways to clean the toilet. She uses specialist bathroom cleaning ingredients where as I power piss.
I just showed the doctor the rash on my penis. “Mmmm”, he said “How long have you had it? I said “On a warm day, about 3 inches”.
When I’m angry, I count to ten before talking to my wife again. It gives her a chance to get back on her feet.
We couldn’t decide: Watch a war movie, listen to acid jazz, or play cards? Eventually we chose bridge, over Jamiroquai.
My wife and I bought the house I grew up in from my parents 5 years ago. To this day I’m afraid to touch the thermostat.
I’m really not hungry so I just ordered £20 of Thai food.
sentence structure possibly, or syntax is one of my many of my problems, the biggest, maybe, of them
I actually met my wife on Tinder. Luckily I was using fake pics so she didn’t recognise me.
When she asked me to use the Greek cheese as a sexual lubricant, I couldn’t refuse. I had to do it, It was a feta cum plea.
The wife still has her hourglass figure; it’s just that it’s got 90 minutes worth of sand in now.
[finance meeting]
“Our share price is up eleventy-twenteen percent”
“Sorry, who are you?”
“Oh, I’m just here to make up the numbers”
Just reading that men men will piss in the sink if the toilet is occupied. But they’re completely mistaken. Men will piss in the sink if it’s nearer.
I used a performance enhancer in the bedroom last night. I wore a blindfold.
[my first day at the gym]
Trainer: “Have you tried skipping?”
Me: “What, with a rope the way boxers do?” Trainer: “No, I mean a few meals you fucking lard-arse”