I’ve written a book called ‘My Battle With Penis Exposure Syndrome’. It’s out now.
I asked the woman in Waterstones for that new book on erectile dysfunction. She tapped the keys to her computer keyboard and said “It’s not coming up!” I said “Yeah, that’s the one”.
TIP: Pretend you’re on The Great British Bake Off by having a good old cry in Greggs.
Hey girl, are you a judge’s gavel? Coz I want to bang you in a courtroom until everyone looks uncomfortable.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Today is National Cannabis Day in Germany, or ‘Hashtag’, as it’s more commonly known.
I always keep my Nazi memorabilia stored safely in my kitchen. In the far right cupboard.
One, two, three o’clock, four o’clock, rock. Five, six, seven o’clock, eight o’clock, rock. This new diet I’m on is horrible.
“Your Majesty, we want you to stop a self-serving, mendacious sex-pest from using his power to avoid public scrutiny”
“But Andrew’s my son!”
“No Ma’am, this is another one…”
For eating chocolate I was thrown out of Weight Watchers, for eating cake I was thrown out of Slimming World, for eating brownies I was thrown out of the Girl Guides.
I think we should trust the Queen to make the right decision. She’s always on the money.
Just got back from the centrist rally. Amazing turnout. Thousands of people holding hands and chanting ‘Better things aren’t possible’.
Guys who won’t use condoms because they ‘can’t feel anything’ through them? Insensitive pricks.
My mate: ‘Wow your GF is *really* hot!’
Me: ‘I’ve told you before, please don’t speak about my grandfather like that’
Men who don’t inform on their violent assailants – who hurt you?
I can’t imagine how nervous Gordon Ramsay’s wife must get before he eats her pussy.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the narrow window where you’re not using yours.
I don’t mind that Jacob Rees-Mogg met the Queen. I’m just disappointed that Prince Philip didn’t drive him home.
My therapist keeps calling me a narcissist, like her opinion even matters.
Cumin, coriander, cardamom, and turmeric ~ ingredients to make an Oxford Korma.
I didn’t think I’d ever get good at carpentry, but with a little encouragement I started believing in my shelf.
I’ve only had sex in a tent once and it was so good I completely missed them announcing me as the winner of the cake competition.
“Ok bye, see you in three months” ~ me, putting Tupperware in the fridge