J’ai eu un sensation de seen that before.
Old newth clipth are tho pathé.
Oh, my giddy aunt! I left her on the waltzers!
My three month old daughter just started crying in her sleep. What a twat.
Hey Melanie Sykes, Charles Saatchi is single now. Just a thought.
I couldn’t care less if a cigarette packet is branded or not. I’m still going to look cool as fuck with it rolled into my T-shirt sleeve.
Ant puts up Christmas decorations in the living room. Dec, the halls.
I agree with Boris Johnson that a lot of people are pretty stupid. Many of the daft cunts voted for him.
So a 32 stone French man has been banned by BA because he’s too big. His airline options are now limited. Virgin? I’m guessing so.
Just lying by the pool in my speedos. They hate me here at the snooker club.
James Arthur is what would happen if you sent your mum to an open-air market to buy Plan B.
Ideas to make Ed Miliband cool:
1. Change ‘Ed’ to ‘Jed’.
2. Refer to voters as ‘cats’ from now on.
3. Occasional cravat.
Thanksgiving. The day in 1621 when Native Americans shared a meal with undocumented immigrants who never left.
I’d like to meet people who understand Venn diagrams, but we never mix in the same circles.
I’m taking The Manic Street Preachers on a tour of rural England. If they tolerate Diss, then the Chilterns will be next.
12 year olds are having sex and I can’t even order a McDonald’s without panicking.
TIP: Recreate the smell of Christmas Dinner by inviting a flatulent tramp to stay for the whole of December.
TIP: Design your own Primark t-shirt by printing the name of any American city and a number between 50-99.
I was in the chemist this morning. I said “My wife’s haemorrhoids hurt. What do you recommend?” He said “Rubber ring?” I said “The last time I tried to do that she slapped me”.
A man who won £148m on the lottery is divorcing his wife. He’s 43 bald and about 18 stone. Where’s he going to find another woman?
Been asked to stop posting tasteless tweets. Over my dead Bodie.
FACT: The Chinese language started in England. Then one person whispered …
I like my tea how I like my women. Big, black and with a penguin.
I’m Caucasian. My mother’s from a city in Ireland, and my dad’s Japanese.
I hate breakdown services. The AA, the RAC, Green Flag. Don’t get me started.
My mate has got such a bad stammer, he was in Ellesmere Port and ordered a taxi to Chester. Ended up in Chichester.
I said to longstanding girlfriend this morning, “Sit down”.
One of my best friends failed to turn up to his own son’s christening. He shall remain nameless.
Just lost my job at Waterstones for indecent exposure. Turns out “Mister Happy” is also the name of a character from a kid’s book.
Looking forward to chopping up a moustache-bore for Dismember.
To be fair Jesus should have known better than to befriend someone called Judas.
So sad about Lewis Collins. In a World of dodgy actors he was one of the professionals.
TIP: This winter, hide a collection of bones in your snowman as a surprise for the children when it melts.
My boss said I lack humility. What I lack in humility, I more than make up for in a million other things.
Shenanigan ~ what Sean Connery does when he goes back to his grandmother’s.
FACT: Precocious is Latin for ‘I really don’t like your child’.
So Km Kardashian said Kanye West has compared himself to Willy Wonka. I’m not surprised. Have you seen the size of her chocolate factory.
Surely Ant and Dec’s will look back on their proudest TV moment as when they asked a Coronation Street actress to open her mouth to prove she’d finished a bollock.
17 job interviews, and still no job. I’m beginning to think wearing my lucky tracksuit isn’t so lucky.
Simon Cowell has had even more Botox. It’s probably time to stop when your Madame Tussauds waxwork looks more lifelike than you do.
So, there I was chanting “The referee’s a wanker!”. Of course they immediately handed back my CV and said I wasn’t suitable for the job.
I feel like I’ve been in this cinema before, must be déjà Vue.
TIP: DAVID MOYES. Get home in time for dinner by skipping the hair-dryer treatment with Fellaini.
Some of you may have had a ‘mad’ one last night but I’m the winner, as I’ve got 97% charge on my phone this morning.
I forgot to go to Hypochondriacs Anonymous today. I bet it’s early-onset Alzheimer’s.
CARDS HYPOCRISY: Why is it always Five Card Stud when a man plays, and Five Card Slut for a woman?
Just been explaining to my kids that the title of the Disney show Art Attack is a pun on a medical emergency that kills millions annually.