My father has predicted every single FA Cup winner since 1989. Unfortunately he’s not got it right once.
I hate the way my son is so quick to blame other people. He gets that from his mother.
I’m just on the M1 in a huge queue doing 15 mph behind a wide-load lorry carrying a fairground ride. We’re all screaming but he won’t go any faster.
As the son of a pâtissier in a rough area of Paris, I worked hard to escape the gâteau.
My ex-wife’s first love was a night watchman. She carried a torch for him for years.
As a kid I used to hate the feeling of my dad’s belt buckle smacking against my arse cheeks. Especially as he was usually still wearing it.
I just called my psychiatrist. I said “I’m feeling very suicidal, what should I do?” He said “Come down and settle your account”.
I hate unwelcome visitors. I just had a woman at my door there, asking for a donation to some sperm bank. Boy did I give her a mouthful.
My doctor told me today that I have an enlarged liver. I said “That’s a bit of luck because I drink a lot”.
Whatever happens at the by-election today, Paul Nuttall will be able to look back in twenty eight years and recall being elected MP for Stoke.
Advert: “Weetabix has made a proper breakfast you can drink” Me: “So have Jacob’s Creek”
People of Stoke Central, don’t forget that Paul Nuttall fought in two world wars for your right to vote.
I’m leaving it as late as I can, but it looks like tonight’s outdoor badminton and house-of-cards-building event might have to be postponed.
My granddaughter and her friend asked me if I wanted join in their skipping game this morning. I said “You can count me in”.
The worst thing is, if Trump dies in office he won’t even admit it. He’ll keep tweeting from the grave: “VERY dishonest coroner’s report says I died. Sad!”
TIP: Convince your neighbours it’s still windy tomorrow by simply walking past their window while leaning forwards at a 45 degree angle.
TIP: Employers. Copy Leicester City’s business strategy by awarding your Employee of the Month with their P45.
For Sale: Terraced house in Stoke. Never used.
So far, the only thing John McDonnell hasn’t blamed today is ‘the boogie’.
I tried to convince my neighbour that yesterday’s storm was even worse than he thought by leaving a fish on top of his car late last night.
Statistically you’re less likely to be attacked in a toilet by a transgender person than by a member of Girls Aloud.
TIP: Pretend you’re on a spa break by sitting in Costa in your dressing gown.