Breaking: Wayne Rooney to donate some of his salary to an old folks home.
Last night I shagged a bird that had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla’s back.
One thing I’ve never figured out: Girls love surprises. Girls love sex. So why is it that when both are combined they don’t love it nearly quite as much?
TIP: Write the alphabet around the edge of your ironing board to encourage ghosts to do the work for you.
When I heard that David Beckham had agreed to play the rest of the season without any salary I thought he’d signed for Blackburn.
My mother shouted up the stairs to me ‘There’s half a load in the washing machine, bring down your other sock’.
The chippy owner said “Would you like anything on your chips?” I said “Does it cost extra?” He said “Ten pence.” I said “All right, I’ll have four sausages and a steak pie.”
TIP: To avoid paying the bedroom tax, simply convert your spare bedroom into a Starbucks.
I’m not saying I’m desperate, but I’d asked her out before she’d even got to “Press 3 for any other enquiries”.
I threw a ball for my dog earlier. Extravagant, I know, but it was his 21st birthday.
Just heard Beckham’s pay is performance related. So every time he misses a penalty, those French children go hungry?
Some bloke just hit me over the head with a power tool. I was minding my own business then ‘Bosch’.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache. I must have caught it from her last night when we didn’t have sex.
I like to mix my love of sex and food. That’s why I masturbate with an oven glove.
The kids text me “plz” because it’s shorter than “please”. I text back “no” because it’s shorter than “yes”.
Rule 452, Subsection 5, Clause B of Bureaucracy Club is that you don’t talk about Rule 452, Subsection 5, Clause B of Bureaucracy Club.
BREAKING: Villa sign Sylla. No news yet on Roger Milla, Asprilla or Ghostface Killa.
On this day in 1950 President Truman announces development of the H-bomb to replace the A-bomb. He refuses to rule out the F-bomb and the C-bomb.
I’ve promised I would crap my pants on numerous occasions, but I never seem to follow through.
I’m giving up poorly-timed topical tweets for Lent.
Just caught my boss wanking off a spoon in the toilets. Although he may just have been cleaning it in the sink.
My girlfriend said “I can’t see you any more.” I said “I’m behind the sofa.”
‘VANISH’ the number one stain remover. I hope there’s a number two remover, my underpants are really bad.
Oxymorons are basically complicated.
Wanted to see some footage of the new QPR left back so I typed “Suk – Young videos” into Google and I think I now have a criminal record.
Don’t ever let your girlfriend talk to another guy about her problems; a shoulder to cry on, becomes a dick to ride on.
If you can’t be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
I managed to satisfy my wife for the first time ever today. I agreed to a divorce.
My mother in law called me a lazy bastard when she came to my house today. On the plus side though she took down the Christmas tree.
I can’t believe our 4 year old son is already looking at porn online! I said to my wife when she checked the internet history.
TIP: DARTS PLAYERS. Pretend you’re a tennis player who’s just won Wimbledon by throwing your darts into the crowd.