There are so many problems in the world and people don’t always have someone they can talk to. So tonight why not walk up to a stranger and say “Oy, mate, what’s your problem?”
Breaking: The MAGA bomber says he can’t have done it because his calendar says he was at Timmy’s house with PJ and Squi.
I’ve just been reminded by Reverend Spooner that the cocks go black tonight.
Halloween Tip: Be very careful about congratulating a partygoer in the street on their realistic slutty policewoman costume.
It’s weird how we put the clocks back but never forward. Anyway got to go, it’s 3.15pm, time for breakfast.
I was addicted to the Hokey Cokey but I turned my life around, and that’s what it’s all about.
“Are they making many cowboy films these days?”
“No, it’s all quiet on the western front”
[the invention of clapping]
“What the fuck are you doing?”
We’re going house hunting this afternoon. It’s really easy, they’re massive and they don’t move at all.
Next time you argue with your wife, why not ask her to calm down? It won’t have occurred to her and she’ll appreciate the input.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
Cellmate: “I know you’re there”
[at ultrasound]
Doctor: *preparing gloves* “Are you allergic to latex?”
Me: “Yeah, that’s why we’re here”
“You know I applied to that art school? Well, I got in!”
“In? Good, you’re arty”
“તમે જાણો છો કે મેં તે કલા શાળામાં અરજી કરી છે? ઠીક છે, હું મળી!”
Interviewer: “Do you ever do public work, just for the greater good?”
Me: *thinking of how I retweet my old stuff for people who may not have seen it yet* “Maybe too much, yeah”
I always cherish that ‘extra hour’ this time of year, because it gives me just long enough to work out how to change the clock in the car.
Cop: “Could you describe to our sketch artist the person who attacked you?” Me: “He looked like the prophet Muhammad”
Artist: “Nope”
The worst part about turning the clocks back is having to endure an extra hour of 2018.
TIP: Hate Fancy Dress Parties? Simply tell your friends you went as the invisible man.
For this Halloween I’m going as someone who makes eye contact.
[slides £10 to paramedic]
Me: “Maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital and maybe I don’t make it”
Halloween Tip: Terrify Trump fans in your neighborhood by dressing yourself up as a fact.
[couples counselling]
Wife: “He sits around all day watching the U.S Office”
Counseller: *nods* “And how do you cope with that?”
Wife: “Well.. *begins to cry* …every day it gets harder”
Counseller: “That’s what she said”