My father has been compared to Nelson Mandela.They both spent 27 years in prison.
Already scientists are working around the clock to calculate the size of the giant fuck nobody gives about your New Year resolutions.
Boy do I love sex. Really love putting my penis into some *looks at smudged writing on hand* verguba.
Just back from the dentist. As I lay in the chair he said “Now I’m afraid this is going to hurt”. I said “No problem”. He said “I’ve been fucking your wife for 2 years”.
Who called it “wearing a monocle” and not “putting on a bit of a spectacle?”
It’s impossible to be a parent and stay on twitter so I’m afraid it’s time to say goodbye. So this is your uncle, you live with him now.
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
Pro Survival Tip: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
My brother is giving away all of his old magazines from the 80s. I doubt I’ll even get a look in.
[I rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
Me: “I’m sor-
Him: *tosses me a glove* “Wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?”
Now is a good time to wander through a large department store in a Santa outfit, yawning and asking people what day it is.
According to all these BMI charts I definitely need to get taller next year.
MY OTHER SOUP IS A BORSCH.
“Well, I did everything I could,” I said, having given up quite easily.
What’s the first sign of delusion? (Asking for an imaginary friend).
Research suggests that suspicion and aggression are innate human characteristics, according to untrustworthy scumbag scientists.
My ex-flatmate once got really annoyed when I left him a note calling him a “nosey bastard”. I’d left it in my underwear drawer.
Sad news. Today we lost the inventor of the protractor. He’s with the angles now.
I wonder how old you have to be before ‘falling’ becomes ‘having a fall’.
News: ‘Trump says he’ll chose
to have a celebrity-free inauguration’. Yes, just as I chose to be ‘sex-free’ in college.
I got a limited edition bottle of Tippex for Christmas. It’s a corrector’s item.
In the land of the blind the one-armed man is the real murderer. Meanwhile, the one-eyed man is in the wrong proverb, being given a fish.
I’m going to bed to get some much-needed lying wide awake in the dark, furious and terrified.
My dog ignores me when I whistle, so I’ve had to learn to imitate the sound of a fridge door opening.