Some really sad news today, our pet mouse Elvis died. He was caught in a trap.
It was hilarious when my boss said attendance was compulsory. I guess you had to be there.
TIP: Andrew Mitchell. Try not to be rude to the fire brigade when they come to extinguish your pants.
Just had a couple of chicken wings. This acid is proper mental.
Her name was Yoda,
A showgirl she was.
FACT: Eskimos have more than 50 words for snow. These include snope, snegative, snevergonnahappen and, of course, snotonyournelly.
I’m so ashamed; I was caught masturbating the other day. I never knew people could just “snap out” of a coma like that.
TIP: Pretend it’s still the 90s by saying “all in lower case” when giving someone your email address.
When I heard David Cameron was going to reveal a gross figure, I was worried he’d hacked into the wife’s webcam.
I was fingering my new Geordie girlfriend the other night when she said “Put another finger in.” I said “Hardly, I’ve only got ten”.
Are phone-in competitions too easy and just a form of idiot tax? Answer: A) Yes
B) Katharine, Duchess of Kent
C) Ham
The trailer for that franchise I pin too much hope on because what I really want is my youth back looks good.
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“MORE CHLOROFORM!”
“WHE
I’m puttin’ on my top hat,
Tyin’ up my white tie,
Popping down to Boots.
Can’t believe some immature person just wrote all over my colouring-in book while I was playing on the swings
The Scotsman is reporting that sales of haggis are up 80%. That’s just a bag of shite.
Just wondering if there will ever be a bathrobe invented that is long enough to hide an old man’s balls.
[Dr. Phil show]
Ex-girlfriend: “He’s dismissive of my opinions and his pet names are offensive” Me: *rolls eyes* “As usual, Porky exaggerates”.
I’ve had Alphabeti Spaghetti for tea 5 nights in a row. My next shit could spell disaster.
My mate says I have issues with respect and professionalism. Well he’s not really a mate, more the global CEO of the company.
I just found a note saying “I can’t go on pretending to be something I’m not.” When I went upstairs my pet chameleon was dead in the bath with his wrists slashed.
Just reading an article saying 50% of women can’t be trusted to be faithful. I’ve been trying to work out whether I should trust my wife or my girlfriend.
I’ve been mistaking the animals of the Chinese zodiac for women’s names since the year Dot.
That was embarrassing. I thought we were doing a Mexican wave in the cinema but it just turned out that someone was going out for a piss.