“I agree with you 100%” is probably my favourite way of saying “I got distracted and have absolutely no idea what the fuck you just said.”
Dad asking where his sombrero is, but it’s on his head. Must be having a señor moment.
Judge: “Jury, have you reached your verdict?”
Jury: “Yes your honour, we have”.
Judge: “Mr Harris, can you guess what it is yet?”
Disappointing to see Jamie Oliver reheating ready-made opinions rather than opting for fresh ones.
If you go down to the woods today, you’re sure of a big surprise. Dead badgers.
I’ll never forget where I was the first time I heard Martin Luther King Jr.’s “I Have A Dream” speech on Facebook.
Reading a book called Zero Gravity. Literally impossible to put down.
Two 90s pop acts have combined to record a fitness dance for back problems: ‘Chumba Wumba Samantha Mumba Zumba lumbar rhumba number’.
On Animal Hospital, I wondered why Rolf Harris looked so excited when he was told they’d be looking at a young beaver.
Stop all this “Will Cameron resign?” blather. He wouldn’t resign if he was found in a rent boy sandwich covered in cocaine.
Shouting “Put your hands in the air like you just don’t care!” is a fun way to bring a party atmosphere to a bank robbery.
I forgot to take my homeopathic drops today. So I’m feeling just the same, for no reason.
“Take me down to Paraphrase City where something something girls and grass and everything’s nice”.
I get my Timelord mate confused with the inventor of the Steam Engine. I have to remind myself: It’s not Watt you know, it’s Who you know.
“Lock the taskbar! Lock the taskbar!”
Just woke up to find I’ve kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter again. This never ends well.
I finally said to my long standing girlfriend yesterday… “For fucks sale, sit down.”
I think my neighbour loves this house track I’m playing. He’s been banging on the wall and shouting throughout it (although he has absolutely no rhythm).
The poet Seamus Heaney is dead,
Up with life he was fed.
Rolf Harris looks great for 83. I wonder what his secret is.