Don’t you hate people who ask questions even though they already know the answer? Teachers are the worst.
My wife said she’s leaving me because of my unhealthy obsession with gardening. I said, where’s this stemming from petal?
Chatting up a girl in a bar last night. She said “You are old enough to be my father!” I said “Let’s just say step-father, to make it legal”.
I’ve come up with a recipe for a new cocktail: 1 part Tequila; 1 part bleach and 1 part antifreeze. You should give it a try, it’s blinding.
One of my earliest memories is seeing my mum’s face through the oven door. We were playing hide and seek. She said “You’re getting warmer”.
I’ve got a goat that can only eat soft fruit. I herd it through the grape vine.
I’m not proud of the moment I walked out on my wife and two kids. I slipped on dog shit, smashed my face off a wall and woke up in the rose bush.
I’ve formed my own classic rock tribute band. All we do is play the same music over and over again. We’re called OCDC.
Some Chinese guy just called me to ask where he should deliver the 600 feet of shelving I’d allegedly ordered. I think it was a plank call.
TIP: Help stop movie piracy in cinemas. The next time you go to see a movie, stand up every ten minutes and shout ‘bollocks’ at the screen.
I realised a long time ago if you do the washing up badly you never get asked again. My wife has also learned the same trick with hand jobs.
I couldn’t sprint at school. I was more about patience and endurance. Which benefited me in the long run.
Life’s too short to remove a USB safely.
Just came from Buckfast Abbey where I met an overweight monk who told me the meaning of life. He was a deep, fat friar.
Last night I got drunk on alcoholic yoghurts. I was absolutely Mullered.
A new girl started at work. Gorgeous. Flirting with me like crazy. Thing is, I’m married, so do I do the right thing? Or tell her I’m married?
I said to girl in the NEC: “This is the place where Roxette are performing isn’t it?” She said “It must have been, love, but it’s over now”.
I was raised by just my mother because my father died when I was eight years old. At least, that’s what he told us in the letter.
I used to work in supermarket produce, which wasn’t exactly rocket salad.
At first I couldn’t believe that my Dad stole from his job as a lollipop man, but all the signs were there.
Ever since my best mate became a mime artist I haven’t heard a word from him.
My wife said to me this morning “How come you didn’t try to get your leg over when you came in last night?” I said “I was sober”.