I just took that new pill that completely erases short term memory. What was I thinking?
Whenever my uncle Trevor gets near my dog, he starts panting and his little red penis pokes out. Luckily my dog just ignores him.
Two newlyweds turn up at a hotel in Las Vegas after an impromptu wedding and ask for the honeymoon suite. The receptionist says “Do you have reservations?” The bride says “Yes, I won’t take it up the arse”.
My wife just shouted from upstairs “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?” Obviously concerned about her, I said “No…?” She said “How about now?”
I lost a good friend recently when we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was just a little thing but it turned out to be much bigger once we got into it.
I thought the lockdown would save me petrol money. But if anything, I’m setting fire to even more stuff.
I just ate a hotdog completely smothered in ketchup. It’s one of many things I like to do whilst completely smothered in ketchup.
They say that love cannot exist in a vacuum. Turns out nor coincidently, could my child’s hamster.
I’ve just treated the old woman next door. That’ll teach her to pop her head over my fence when I’m creosoting it.
FACT: Soup was invented in 1927 by John Soup when he wanted to drink a chicken.
There’s a room in my house that’s worth a lot of money. Kitch-ing.
I was in Wimbledon last weekend and a young man came up to me and said “I’m a ballboy”. I said “Bad news. I’m a tits man myself”.
I asked the Morrison’s delivery driver if he wanted his bags back. He said “No, they may be carriers”.
The estate agent said to me “Your house is not in great shape, how about a lick of paint?” I said “No thanks, have you got any toffees?”
Lockdown is so boring. I’ve started writing a letter to myself. Dear me.
Breaking: Donald Trump denies hydroxychloroquine has unpleasant side effects, as he was a gibberish-spouting bright orange buffoon before he started taking it.
The man said ‘Shake what your mamma gave ya!’ so I did, but the lid came off of the Tupperware and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
My mother-in-law’s so mean she bought a black and white dog because she thought the license would be cheaper.
Me: “I want some weed”
Drug dealer: *whispers* “An ounce?”
Me: “Sure *into megaphone* “LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I WISH TO PURCHASE SOME WEED”
“You do the math” ~ Chris Eubank to a priest.