I think I might have to do the honourable thing and leave my new job after only one week. On Friday the boss emailed everyone “Have a great weekend!” and I accidentally typed ‘You tool’ instead of ‘You too’.
Had an interview at the health clinic to donate sperm this morning. Will they want me at my age? I’m very optimistic. I’m a glass half full kind of guy.
Sometimes you can’t win. I read a beautiful, hour-long eulogy at a recent funeral, only to discover afterwards they wanted it “out loud”.
I can’t believe Colin Fry died the other day. I was only talking to him this morning.
Just met a girl from the eHarmony site. Near the bins at the back of Asda. Turns out she wasn’t a hopeless romantic.
Donald Trump looks like the villain in a movie where the hero is a dog.
“My wife won a cricket bat in one of those lottery prize from a drum thing”
“Tombola?”
“No, Barry ran her out for 75. Good knock though”.
Don’t hate me because I’m attractive and successful. Hate me because I’m a compulsive liar.
It’s not a true driving licence photo unless you look like all the happiness has been sucked out of your soul.
I don’t mean to brag, but I just completed my 21 day diet in 3 hours and 15 minutes.
People are like snowflakes. If you piss on them they go away.
Not wishing to blow my own trumpet but I have amassed the largest collection of stolen trumpets in the world.
TIP: Get ripped in under three weeks by trying to domesticate a raccoon.
For once I just want someone to love me for my lottery winnings and large penis, not my dreadful personality.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive? I just did and I won’t be allowed on a Lufthansa flight again.
I wish my wife was one of those government agents who aren’t allowed to talk about what they did at work all day.
I started my levitation course today and went straight to the top of the class.
The wife said “There two things I’m good at cooking – lasagna and sticky toffee pudding”. I said “Which one is this?”
My wife says she’s leaving me because I’m always misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger. She’ll be back.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
I’ve never been to Notting Hill Carnival because it always clashes with my not wanting to go.
Just watching X Factor. Poor Rita. Stuck between a cock and a hard face.