Hard to believe it’s only 34 days, 6 hours, 29 minutes and 57 seconds until the next Rain Man Appreciation Society meeting.
Grandad came back from the war with one arm. We still don’t know whose it was.
If I could have dinner with any three famous people, living or dead, I’d choose Piers Morgan, Nigel Farage, and Michael Gove. All dead.
People say I look like Richard III. It really gets my back up.
Google is now offering people the option to be officially forgotten, after a successful trial run with Leanne Mitchell, winner of the first series of The Voice.
Hoping to drop a shoe size by the time I go on holiday.
I started reading a book yesterday and I just can’t put it down. It’s printed on flypaper.
Genius is 1% inspiration, 99% perspiration and 50% exaggeration.
I’ve just seen the most mythical of beasts. The horsicorn. It’s a unicorn with a normal horses head. So beautiful.
Sometimes I like to sit on my hand until it goes numb then it feels like someone else is wiping the tears of loneliness from my cheek.
I’ll never forgot one of the last things my Grandad said to me. He said “If you love something, let it go. If it comes back, you probably love a homing pigeon”. He was such a fucking idiot.
I’ve invented a new sandwich filling, between you, me and the goat paste.
Scientists claim they are close to identifying an alternative word for ‘boffin’.
Knorr should introduce a dressing called ‘Knorr Vinaigrette Rien’.
My name is Maximus Decimus Meridius, commander of the Armies of the North, General of the Felix Legions and your waiter tonight. Drinks?
I had a horrible dream last night where somebody was telling me about the dream they’d had last night.
Granddad always called a spade a spade. And a sandwich a spade. And his wife a spade. Completely lost it at the end, quite tragic.
My son’s ambition in life is to become World Pie Eating Champion but first he must step upto the plate.
It’s weird how in America they call it ‘garbage’ but over here we call it ‘Hollyoaks’.
My dad also says that men who are losing their hair can run faster. I think that’s balderdash.