Sous Chef / Sioux chief, it’s an easy mistake to make, anyway, long story short, my outfit was unsuitable for the kitchen and I was sacked.
I failed my driving test when I couldn’t do a 180 degree turn. To be fair though, the heater in my car doesn’t go that high.
My first weeks as a school teacher were tough. Tantrums, soiled pants, bullying. All that, and I had to deal with the kids too.
TV idea: Who The Fuck Do You Think You Are?!? Actually, just like Who Do You Think You Are? But with Danny Dyer.
I feel like we should wait to hear Adele’s ex-boyfriend’s songs before we choose sides.
Ever got a shock from your car’s satnav? Mine told me I was adopted.
How about we just extradite Julian Assange while he’s asleep? Then lets see if he thinks a sleeping person can give consent.
I always thought the BBC should do a special episode of ‘Who Do You Think You Are?’ with Peter Alliss, called ‘Who The Fuck Is Alliss?”
I just had an idea. If the economy continues to struggle, maybe we should try to commercialise Christmas in some way.
Enough with the superfluous ‘already’ already.
When I was a kid, we didn’t have the internet. We had to go to the library to masturbate.
I’m thinking about setting up a rival service to Twitter, which allows you to write 145 characters, instead of 140. All those in favour, say
I don’t invite mimes to my house any more. The last one tripped over the wifi signal.
I towed my car to the mechanic and he said “Looks like you blew a tranny”. “No,” I said “That’s just toothpaste”.
The Rolling Stones biopic ended up never being made. They couldn’t find anyone without sin in Hollywood to start the casting process.
In hindsight, I wish I’d had an arranged marriage. Nobody showed up.
Iced coffee is the Boris Johnson of drinks. You think it doesn’t make any sense, and looks ridiculous. But somehow, it manages to work.
A friend of mine told me that all pop stars created by reality TV shows were one-hit wonders. I said that was just hearsay, pure and simple.
TIP: Give your kids some retro cool chic when they return to school by covering their iPad with wallpaper.
“My doctor says that lump is a cist” “C I S T, he’s going to remove it” “No i in cyst” “Erm, no thanks, I think I’ll let the doctor do it”.
My recovery has been slow but I think I’ve finally bounced back from my trampolining injury.
Prince Harry’s behaviour is crass, tasteless and sleazy. Who does he think he is, Prince Andrew?
I really do have vestiphobia, I’m not trying it on.
TIP: Pharmacists. Pretend to be skilled medical professionals by taking 30 minutes to put a packet of antibiotics in a bag.
I had some alphabetti soup for my tea the other night and I’ve been shitting non-stop. I think it’s given me irritable vowel syndrome.
“Doc, my kleptomania problem with small computer devices is getting way out of hand. What can I do?” “Keep taking the tablets”.
My dog said he could make me very rich – I dunno what he’s talking about.
TIP: Ladies. Save money on expensive chemical peels by removing your makeup with a Flash Bathroom Wipe.
TIP: Pretend you’re an international cricketer by having the amount of times you’ve been into work on your shirt.
I knew it was a bad idea installing a clapper light switch in my flat. My epileptic son near died watching a wildlife programme on seals.
When I was five, I was taught that Jesus would come for me one day. As it turned out, he sent a priest to do it when I was eleven.
“My father is a women’s rights activist.” “Your father? Not your mother?” “No. Dad wouldn’t allow that.”
As a teenager, I used to regularly shave my head; just one of the many things he made me do in return for better grades.
Sadly, I lost both my parents when I was eleven. Not been to Hampton Court since.
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