It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, home-schooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
News: NHS Scotland announce that the new Nightingale hospital in Glasgow is to be renamed ICU Jimmy.
I once stole a tin of ecstasy from a one year old. It was like taking canned E from a baby.
You can’t believe it’s not butter? Mate, almost everything is not butter.
If I wanted a cheque signed by Trump, I would have become a porn star.
Ann Summers have announced that they expect to be very busy after lockdown. They’ll therefore be operating on a first served, first come basis.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself independent?”
Me: *looks at mum in chair behind me*
Mum: *nods*
Me: “I’d say yes” *gives mum a big thumbs up*
Word of caution: When your 5-year-old nephew has been to the Wacky Warehouse, don’t ask if he managed to get “balls deep”.
A good way to spot mistakes you’ve made in any board report you submit is to read it slowly and carefully, with a clear head, immediately after you press ‘send’.
My son just told me a joke that made me spit my coffee out. He said: “I pissed in your cup”
“I keep eating my feather pillow in my sleep. It’s really starting to depress me” “Down in the dumps?”
“I dunno. I haven’t been yet”.
Q: What has a priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A: A black coat, white collar, and you’ve got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one.
I used to teach young offenders to play medieval instruments until I discovered that Asbo lute power corrupts.
The worst mistake I made with my last girlfriend was swapping house keys, because now neither of us can open our front doors.
Idea. Shazam but for who your mum is talking about and how you’re supposed to know them.
I bought a rear view mirror for £100. They saw me coming.
‘1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving’
People: “Won’t be me”
‘1 in 40 million chance of winning the Lotto’
People: “You never know”
I’ve got a new job as a personal fitness instructor to Ray and Dave Davies. I hope to be back on Twitter once I’ve worked out the Kinks.
“So… is there a Mamua New Guinea?” ~ me, flirting.
If you’re singing vibrato in The Pirates of Penzance, remember to shiver your timbres.
How are you managing this stressful situation? One technique I’ve found is “badly”.
We all make mistakes. What’s important is to talk about other people’s.