I like my women like I like my Starbucks servers – shouting out a name at me that I just made up.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish he’d fucking come and get her.
I found a builder who advertises “No job too small” so I’ve got him tiling the bathroom in my daughter’s dolls house.
FACT: John Paul Getty’s full name was Pope John Paul Spagetty-Hoopsontoast.
Her name was Yoda,
A showgirl she was.
To avoid another unnecessary delay, the government have already appointed Chilcot to look into why the bombing of Syria went so badly wrong.
I posed nude in front of an art class earlier today. It really distracted them from the bowl of fruit they were trying to paint.
Apparently I have xenophobia. I bet I caught it off some fucking foreigner.
[Job interview]
“Your CV says you speak German”
“Yeah, I lie a lot”
“But you list honesty among your qualities”
“What did I *just* say?”
Donald Trump is like the guy who decides to become a stand-up comic because he’s always the funniest one at his AA meetings.
Exciting trip to a DIY store today. I got wood.
“Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it” “Shenanigan?”
“Don’t you start”
Gone to Wetherspoons to watch the fight. They don’t have TVs in here but it is a Saturday.
I was late for my first meeting at Passive Aggressive Club, but they were really good about it. They said they’re always happy to hang around waiting for me.
I do have a trophy wife, but I won her in a Sexist Husband competition.
I just asked the landlord if he sold alcoholic mixed fruit drinks on draft? He told me to get fucked. He certainly doesn’t pull any punches.
My brother died doing what he loved; estimating the length of his bungee cords.
I have decided to leave my past behind me, so if I owe you money I’m sorry, but I’ve moved on, and maybe it’s time that you do too.
It’s bloody tricky getting the exact amount of whelmed.
Bullying within Tory Youth movement included name-calling. Not least by Grant Shapps who called himself several different names.
I gather I’ll be getting a brand new set of Dr Dre headphones for Christmas. That’s music to my ears.
Your new Apple password must contain:
Sonnet from Shakespeare
3 hieroglyphics
Your first born child’s soul
7 emojis
6 drops of unicorn blood