#2213

Some really sad news to report today. After 17 years of marriage my wife has finally left me because of my constant neediness and insecurity. I’m heartbroken…. No wait, she’s back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

I went into a florist earlier and said “I’d like to buy a lovely bouquet of flowers for my girlfriend”. The florist said “Certainly, what is it you’re after?” I said “Anal”.

God this is so embarrassing. As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection. “Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog,” said the vet.

I’ve bought a sexy bra and panties set from Victoria’s Secret. I can’t wait for my wife to get home from work. I can’t work out how to do the strap up.

I had eczema, diarrhoea and haemorrhoids over the weekend. My best game of Scrabble ever.

Just thinking back, the first time I had sex was in my parent’s bedroom. My girlfriend giggled and said “I just feel so awkward”. I said “Look, just ignore them”.

My father had a lifelong cleft palate but he gave me some great advice which I’ve never forgotten. Like: Never look a gift whore in the muff.

If I’ve learnt one thing, it’s that people who live in glass houses shouldn’t watch child porn.

Me to my wife: “Of course your secrets are safe with me, because I wasn’t even listening”.

My great grandfather was the scientist who spent a lifetime discovering why women get periods. Turns out it’s because they deserve them.

The annual Reykjavik World’s Largest Penis Tournament this month. That’s why mums go to Iceland.

FACT: When you die, one of the first things you do is learn how to slide a glass around a Ouija Board.

My wife has done an amazing job of cutting her carbon footprint. She’s given up cooking.

TEAM PLAYER WANTED. Non-competitive salary.

My date last night ticked a lot of boxes. Although she said it was a little bit creepy that I made her fill in a questionnaire.

Do you happen to have a photo of me taken from far away? I know, it’s a long shot.

On the 90th day of Christmas, my true love said to me: “For fuck sake, you take Christmas too seriously.”

Hearing that Rachel Riley fell down the stairs and broke her nose. On the way down she hit four from the top and three from the bottom.

I bought one of those self-assembly bird tables a while back. The lazy bastards haven’t even opened the box. All they’ve done is shit on it.

“Oh, so you just put up Prehistoric Elephant skeletons in museums. Wrong number” ~ another disappointed caller to ‘Mammoth Erections Co.’

#2212

I just had a bubble bath. It was me, my Mum, my Uncle Alan and my Nan.

Vanilla Ice now teaches computer literacy to parents. Word to your mother.

I told my friend I’d like to do a tightrope walk across a mountain gorge. He said it’s a precipice. I said “It looks difficult, though”.

Yesterday one of my friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space. It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.

The kids on our street challenged me to a water fight this afternoon. Happy to tell you that I won! Even more impressive when you realise I turned up late because I was waiting for the kettle to boil.

It was only when I was in the line to buy James Bond merchandise that I realised how much I hate Q Jumpers.

TIP: Transform a Starbucks employee into a Stallone impersonator by giving your name as ‘Adrian’ and not responding when called.

I only ever managed to reverse park successfully once, which was on my driving test. I haven’t looked back since.

When budgeting for buying mythical creatures, don’t forget: the chimera adds ten pounds.

Time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try actually taking them down.

I’ve ordered some underpants with a flap at the front that opens right up. Just been invited to a gender reveal party.

My wife’s suggested a new healthy eating plan. Unfortunately I’ve got a lot on my plate at the moment.

I’ve done some terrible things for money. Like getting up early to go to work.

It always seems to be cold and wet in Scotland. It’s amazing they manage to grow all those bananas in Fife.

This guy on the bus was just having phone sex with his partner and saying, “I can’t see you. What you wearing?” So I said “Honestly, get a Zoom”.

I went to my first Narcolepsy Support Group today. It was so boring I almost fell asleep.

My girlfriend said she was done with my immature behaviour. So I placed my hand on her shoulder, looked deeply into her eyes and said “Tag, you’re it!”

‘Enter new password’
‘BaDum’
‘Password must contain a cymbal’
‘BaDumTsss’

My girlfriend left me because I was rubbish at leap-frog. I don’t think I’ll ever get over her now.

How good is my speech therapist? It’s hard to say.

Having sex is like riding a bike. Most women are going battery powered now.

“Right, I’m off to the playground with Thor”
“*THE* Thor?”
“No, we’ll probably just go on the swings”

Our local amateur dramatics group will be performing ‘The History of the Bakery’. I’ve been invited to play a roll.

#2211

They say 1 in 4 people are dyslexic and there’s 4 people in my office. It’s either me or Darren or Kevin or Anal. It’s Anal isn’t it?

I just had a bubble bath. It was me, my Mum, my Uncle Alan and my Nan.

Did you know there’s a condition called sleep wanking? No? My girlfriend didn’t believe me either.

I see Gary Barlow is trending this morning. It’s such a shame that he blocked me. Whatever I said, whatever I did, I didn’t mean it…

Well done and congratulations to the people asking me ‘How I like my steak cooked?’ and ‘My favourite Cliff Richard song?’.

FACT: A human fart can be louder than a trombone. Shame I had to discover that at my daughter’s school concert.

My wife just screamed “You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?” I said “What a weird way to start a conversation!”

The Sperm Count ~ probably my least favourite Sesame Street character

Remember: You don’t have to wait until Christmas or New Year to let your family know you love them. You can wait much longer than that.

I still can’t believe that my senior class in high school voted me ‘Least likely to let things go’.

I went in to the vets today and said “Have you got a cure for fleas?” She said “That depends. What’s wrong with them?”

My mate set me up on a blind date. He said “She’s a lovely girl, but there’s something you should know. She’s expecting a baby”. I felt like a right fucking idiot waiting in the pub wearing nothing but a nappy.

The first rule of Cliff Richard Club is: We don’t talk any more.

I’m sick and tired of vegans interrogating me about my eating habits. It’s like the spinach inquisition.

I have a corporate communications joke, but we prefer the term ‘language-based wit solution’.

My Nan told me that it doesn’t matter what you do with your life as long as, by the end of it, you’re happy and you can afford your own bed. She told me that on her death chair.

TIP: Ensure that you have a really lovely day by simply going on a game show and losing.

Mick Hucknall: “When it came to sharing their wealth the French Impressionists were pretty generous. Particularly Cèzanne, Degas and Renoir” Me: “What about Monet?”
Mick Hucknall: “Monet’s too tight to mention”

“What do you think of my trendy new waterproof coat and this rubber ring to go round my unicycle wheel?” “Sorry, wasn’t listening. What do I think of what?”
“My cool mac and tyre?”
“Terrible comic. Not funny at all”

I’ve never been able to count to 10 in French because of my huit allergy.

#2210

I like that Chris Rea song about driving home to spend Christmas with your family. Road To Hell.

Me: *gently touches my wife’s coffin* “If I could change this I would” Wife: “It’s certainly your worst fucking birthday present yet”

Bored? Need a new hobby? I’ve got some racing geese for sale. Let me know if you want a quick gander.

The ladies call me Nemesis. Because I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.

If it’s rectal jokes you’re after I’ve got piles.

We call the landlord of our local ‘Bright Eyes’. It’s nothing to do with his appearance, it’s because he likes to water shit down.

I’ve just sold the monitor from our running machine. My wife’s not very happy. She had her heart set on it.

TIP: Recreate a lockdown Black Friday at home by pushing a member of your household over when they pick up the remote.

“I’ve just had a marathon sex session with a woman who was turned on because I was wearing that aftershave that Johnny Depp advertises” “Sauvage?”
“She probably has after what I’ve just done to her”

If they ever find my body next to a treadmill, just know that I was murdered somewhere else and my body was dumped there.

Me: “If I ever decide to commit a murder I am going to make a doll out of my hair to put in the victim’s house” Friend: “Why?”
Me: “That way they look crazy and there is a reason my hair is at the crime scene” Friend: *backing away slowly* “Sounds well thought out”

BBC News: ‘Bad drivers to face £100 fines’.
Seems a bit sexist?

The pandemic has ruined this year’s exposés of terrible Christmas wonderland theme parks.

The collective noun for a group of bankers is actually a ‘Wunch’.

Avalanche: What Gino D’acampo does before afternoon skiing so he doesn’t get hungry.

I declined an invite to dinner at my barber’s house. He told me he’s serving turkey with “all the trimmings”.

Black Friday special. Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards.

I don’t like to brag but I had sex with a Playboy Centrefold. I got a paper cut on my cock.

Be careful what you buy from Amazon on Black Friday. Last year I ordered four Kindles and they sent me a ‘Two Ronnies’ DVD.

“I’m thinking of selling takeaway protein shakes”
“Whey to go”
“Thanks, but don’t congratulate me yet. It’s just an idea at the moment”

“So, what do you do?”
“I rent out huge venues in order to have several female pre-wedding parties all socialise together, but had no takers yet” “Struggling to make hens meet?”
“No, I have savings”

#2209

I just walked in on my girlfriend sucking her fitness trainer’s cock. I said “Okay, this isn’t working out”.

Fittingly, Peter Shilton’s praise of Maradona was way too late and not high enough.

We were on holiday in Spain and for a bit of fun my wife ended the saggy tits competition and beat everyone. In fact, she wiped the floor with them.

I’ve just joined a sperm bank. They asked me if I wanted to register for on-line wanking.

I’ve just walked into the bathroom and found my 17 year-old stepdaughter using a home waxing kit. Well, I tore her off a strip.

I always thought Diego Maradona was a little forward.

The Transylvanian Elections are on at the moment. Remember, it’s your Count that votes.

It’s a little known fact that Pheidippides, the original Marathon runner, did it dressed as a rhino and was running for a Greek orphanage.

I’ve been employed as Elton John’s tour manager, but he’s just gone into a really bad mood with me because the revolving stage I’ve arranged for his upcoming concerts doesn’t rotate quickly enough. I’m hoping he’ll come round eventually.

As I’m urgently running out of toilet toll, I’ve decided to take a leaf out of Bear Grylls’ book. The staff here at Waterstones aren’t going to be happy about it though.

News: After Donald Trump appears to accept a formal transition of power, White House aides officially begin dismantling his tyre swing and Stickle-Brick fort in the Oval Office.

By the way, check out the Chubby Checker biopic on Netflix at the weekend. Highly recommended. There’s a big twist at the end.

When I was younger my family were really poor. We were so poor, that one time my mother sent me next door with a button, and I asked our neighbour to sew a shirt on it.

By the way, always be careful when criticising companies online. I quote tweeted the National Grid once to complain that the electricity cables near my house were a bit low to the ground for my liking, which resulted in a massive pylon.

Just hearing that the government is considering a blanket ban. What the fuck am I suppose to eat my picnic on?

TIP: Peter Schmeichel. Ensure your next son grows up with a constant sense of comedic Yiddish dismissal my naming him ‘Michael’.

“Good afternoon, welcome to ‘The Dictionary Café’. I’ll take your order as soon as you tell me what ‘mock’ means” “To tease”
“Certainly. Milk and sugar?”

TIP: Get your porn name by performing in a pornographic film and submitting your chosen alias for use in the credits.

#2208

It’s usually the second date before I try anything risky. Like not paying her.

A new survey shows that 1 in 5 men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine. I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

By the 1990’s, mankind had perfected an extremely subtle version of sarcasm… NOT.

I’ve been arrested this afternoon. You know you’re going down when you’re in a police line-up and the five guys next to you are Chinese.

It’s annoying when I can’t see in my rear view mirror because someone has written a joke on it. Maybe one day I’ll look back and laugh.

Just waiting nervously for my cheerleading A-Level results. Come on! Give me an A!

“You’re wasted in this job!” ~ HR firing me for alcohol abuse at work

TIP: Women. Prevent yourselves from crying by simply flapping your hand in front of your face three times.

I think the worst toy I ever had was my Industrial Action Man. He refused to do anything unless I could guarantee better working conditions.

Tomorrow night is the opening night of the show I’m in, ‘Spinal Column: The Musical’. I’m a bundle of nerves.

My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture. I have a hunch it might be me!”

Just reading that MPs have been claiming expenses for having their kittens neutered. What a complete waste of cat spayer’s money.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish whilst I went to the pub. She always said she wanted a night in, shining armour.

Her: “Hey, what’s your sign?”
Me: “My favourite is probably ‘McDonalds, Next Exit’ what’s yours?”

TIP: Chris Rea. The roads should be a bit quieter this year so there’s plenty of time before you need to set off.

I used to subscribe to a magazine for people with spinal problems. I don’t any more, but I’ve still got the back issues.

As a kid I thought adult life would involve a lot more avoiding booby traps and quicksand but it’s mainly trying to find the right sized allen key.

You’ll never guess who I bumped into on the way to get my glasses mended? Every cunt.

Then they came for the passive-aggressive people, and I did not speak out, but I wrote a note that was so elaborately polite they couldn’t fail to get the point.

Me: “Hi my name is Matt and I’m an alcoholic”
AAA: “Sir this is triple A?”
Me: “I know, I’m explaining why my car’s in the lake”

News: Boris Johnson gives a press conference to announce the new Oxford vaccine. 70% effective and preferably stored in a fridge, Boris Johnson is the UK Prime Minister.

#2207

My next door neighbour just knocked the door wearing only a see-through negligee and asked to borrow a cup of sugar…and then winked at me and asked to come in for a cup of coffee. I said “Fuck off Dave, I’ve got work to do”.

Apparently, some people can only get an erection if alcohol is involved. Fat birds, mainly.

I watched about two hours of that Embarrassing Bodies show last night about that fat bald bloke with a tiny cock before I realised the TV was switched off.

When I worked as a drag queen I had to ‘tuck and tape’. I’d show you some photos but they are all in my junk folder.

“May I have a whiskey double on the rocks please?”
“This is an Arctic-themed bar, Sir. All our drinks are served on permafrost rather than ice. See our menu”
“Oh, I see. In that case may I have a double on tundra?”
“Certainly, Sir. I’ll make it a stiff one”

My wife’s been telling everybody we know about my messy sideways arse-wiping technique. The shit spreader.

I went to B&Q earlier and shouted really loudly that I needed something to get up to my third floor flat. You should’ve seen the stairs I got.

My mate said he can’t get his TV to work. I said “You should put it on a trolley”.

My wife was moaning about lying on the wet patch again last night. She should come to bed before I’ve had my wank then.

I’ve just had a tattoo right above my dick that says ‘Caution: Wide Load’.

Our second-hand bookshop has some bargains. I picked up ‘Cure Your Dyslexia’ for a snog.

Just a thought, if we really want COVID to leave for good and act like nothing ever happened maybe I should try fucking it?

Look ladies, if a man said he’ll fix it, he will. There is no need to remind him every six months about it.

Brilliant! My wife’s smuggled a hacksaw in with the birthday cake she sent me in prison. Now at least I can cut the fucking cake.

My wife asked me if i could go to Blockbuster and get ‘Scent of a Woman’. I came back with a ‘Fish Called Wanda’.

Sorry I offended you when I called you a slut. I had no idea you thought it was a secret.

If you want to know that men and women are very different take the world of online dating. Women are afraid of meeting a serial killer. Men are afraid of meeting someone fat.

My new driving instructor just told me I need to keep looking over my shoulder. I said “Are you fucking threatening me?”

“Hang on, mate – I’ve got a shitload of coupons here. These six are for 50p off the loaves, and one’s half price on the fish” ~ Christ the Redeemer

#2206

My therapist says I have a dismissive attitude towards women. At least I think it was him, it might have been that bitch he was with.

I just called BA. I said “Hello, I’d like tickets for the Friday 5pm Rome flight”. She said “Certainly sir, how many people will be travelling?” I said “I’ve no idea, it’s your plane”.

I’ve had the shits every Saturday for the past two years. Or, as Social Services insist I call them, my children.

Just helping out a local farmer as a favour to my father. The farmer said to me “I’ve got 68 sheep. Can you round them up for me?” I said “Sure. 70”.

Interesting bit of breaking sports news: Belarusian shot put gold medallist Nadzeya Ostapchuk has tested positive for a banned substance. Testicles.

I’ve had two failed marriages. My first wife left me and the second won’t fuck off.

TIP: Turn a fish finger into sophisticated Japanese-style snack cuisine by simply eating it straight from the fridge.

TIP: Diving fans. Recreate the Tom Daley look by buying your Speedos from Mothercare.

Hot Cross Buns’ was actually the name of Jesus’ first aerobics DVD.

I’ve been kicked out of Clown School but to be honest I’m not sure if they’re joking or not.

I’ve been told I’ve only got two weeks to live. My wife’s going away for a fortnight.

And as the sperm wriggles its way towards the egg, I cannot help feel that I may have ruined this breakfast.

Dad took me to a prostitute on my 16th birthday. He said “Son, when you get off your lazy arse and get a job you’ll be able to pay for one of these”.

My wife’s been giving me the silent treatment all day. She’s been running in and out of the house chased by a dozen policemen while an old lady played the piano.

I asked my builder if he’d seen Born Free. He said “I haven’t even seen Born 1 or 2 yet”.

Our kettle seems to turn itself off and on at will. It has an element of surprise.

I thought I’d seen every episode of “The Lazy Campanologist”, but that one didn’t ring any bells.

People don’t realise that snails migrate too. Difference is, they only get to the bottom of the garden before it’s time to come back again.

I’ve written a book about making money from a well maintained flower-bed. Weed it and reap.

I quit the Animals tribute band, I didn’t want to be a Burdon anymore.

Apparently stocks of flatfish are on the rise, which is brill news.

A friend of mine was telling me he constantly struggles with trapped wind. He makes balloon animals at kids’ parties.

#2205

Just reading that in Dubai you can’t kiss, hold hands or have sex in a public place. That’s me and the wife’s next holiday sorted then.

“You’d be speaking German if it wasn’t for me” ~ my incompetent German teacher.

Does anyone fancy being a companion, a confidant or a comrade? Asking for a friend.

My neighbour’s currently training in the garden for the British Women’s Powerlifting Championship. I have to say, from where I’m looking she has a very clean snatch.

My ex-girlfriend was a terrible kisser. She would push me away saying stuff like “Fuck off I dumped you three years ago!”

I just saw a fat girl at the gym with an iPad strapped to her arm.

Just reading that 80 years ago today Jessie Owens won the Olympic 200m, in front of Hitler. I didn’t even know Hitler competed.

FACT: The Black Eyed Peas often claim to have just bumped into one of The Doors.

I could do a Prince Charles impression with one arm behind my back.

Joe Biden will have a lot of repairing to do on the international stage. For example, there’s a massive gulf between the USA and Mexico.

I can’t remember the last time I had a shave. Next time I’ll use memory foam.

Whenever my dad grabbed that belt I knew there was nothing I could do to stop him. From shooting up heroin.

My budgie has laryngitis. Please retweet.

TIP: Gardeners. Convince people that you’re Italian by using a pitchfork to coil up your hosepipe.

Werthers Originals. A creamy golden reminder that your granddad’s dead.

How come I get spam messages for ‘penis enlargement pills’ yet my wife doesn’t get any for ‘pussy tightening pills’?

My pet bear’s diarrhoea problems are beginning to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.

I find it hard to describe how much I love my old alarm clock. It’s the reason I get up in the morning.

I ejaculated over two metres this morning. One day a customer will catch me and I’ll probably lose my job at British Gas.

Bring Back Libraries! (Long overdue).

Just been to a Yoda class. Supple I am.

If you hold the sole of your shoe against your ear you can hear the sound of your hip dislocating.

My parents went to a pest control conference and all I got was this lousy T-shirt.

I love the Olympics but I think the nearest I’ll ever come to the twists and turns of the ribbon gymnastics is trying to put the duvet cover on.

The stripper at my stag do was disappointing on many
fronts, but to be fair, he had that wallpaper off in no time.

#2204

Kids these days. My granddaughter was making her Ken & Barbie dolls have sex and I said “Careful, you may get baby dolls”. She said “Relax grandad, he’s doing her up the shitter”.

Thanks iPhone autocorrect, I’m sure my dad wanted to know that I miss going on our weekend fisting trips.

Thanks to the latest cycling record revisions, my position in the 2002 Tour has been elevated from ‘did not compete’ to ‘last’. Proud.

I had to wipe my computer today. I need to keep the tissues closer.

77% of the world’s 7 billion people fit a stereotype perfectly. Can an Asian tell me how many people that is please?

I was told this morning that I’ve been banned from fishing in our local lake because I can’t properly handle the equipment. I’m still reeling.

Today, my wife walked in on me and her twin sister fucking in front of a bedroom mirror. I said “I know what it looks like…”

TIP: Turn a quiet country lane into Britain’s busiest road by attempting to have a piss against a hedge alongside it.

Am I sorry to have released my entire heron collection? I’ve got no egrets.

A lot of people have really helped me with my kleptomania. I think it’s time for me to give something back.

Sorry for all the typos this evening. I think I’m going penile.

Fair play to my wife she doesn’t get annoyed when I criticise her blowjob technique. She just takes it on the chin.

Breaking: The Sun to print pictures showing Rupert Murdoch’s naked greed.

I bought my wife a smart car for her birthday. It’s so intelligent, it locks the doors when she attempts to get in.

That new nightclub ‘Arthritic Toe’ is a cracking little joint.

I’m all for feminists burning their bras, just as long as I can gawp at their tits while they’re doing it.

The most disappointing thing about prison was finding out the soap in the showers was in a wall-mounted dispenser pump.

Can someone please tell fat women that skin tight jeans are a fashion statement and not a fucking challenge.

My new mate just explained cell division to me. Apparently the bottom bunk is mine, and if I touch his, he’ll beat the shit out of me.

At my school, football meant rugby, soccer meant association football, and piano lessons meant sexual abuse.

I just asked the shopkeeper for a Double Decker. She was gone for absolutely ages, then she brought me three.

The World Necrophilia Championship has received a few late entries.

“Look, if you confess, we can help you”
“What light through yonder window breaks motherfucker” ~ good cop, bard cop