Thrilled to be awarded a ‘Mr’ in the New Year’s Honours list. Have previously been an ‘Oi, fuckface’. Deeply honoured.
No rappers in the New Year Honours list again. It really was a magnificent achievement by Sir Mix-A-Lot that year, wasn’t it?
I never use my indicators when I’m driving. It’s no one’s fucking business where I’m going.
Life is basically a video game you thought you’d be good at so you skipped the tutorial and now you have no idea what the fuck is going on.
Glad to see I’m in the list of 2015’s most illegible bcahalleorrs.
“Don’t open the wardrobe!” shouted my wife as I was just about to, “Your Christmas present is in there!” “Too late,” I said, pulling open the door.
“You get me the shittiest presents!” I said, looking in. “Why the fuck would I want a naked milkman?”
God bless Lemmy, there’ll have to be an autopsy to determine what he didn’t die from.
FACT: The word ‘brunch’ originated in the 1960s, when busy executives would break mid-morning to eat Broccoli and Monster Munch.
The following is a complete list of when it’s acceptable that men should wear skinny jeans:
Do I know what acceleration is? No, but I could probably learn, with a change of velocity, over time.
I went to bungee school today, and I’ve already been suspended.
I’ve got a new job as a personal fitness instructor to Ray and Dave Davies. I hope to be back on here once I’ve worked out the Kinks.
Although I was fired from that Foreign Currency Bureau for being lazy, if I had my time again I still wouldn’t change a thing.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
Me: “Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin'”
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: “Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?”
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: “Not you”.
Just got round to making my predictions for 2015. Pretty accurate.
Strong winds. I’m concerned about the rickety old shed in my garden. It wasn’t there yesterday.
Always shocked when I go to the dentist and he makes me hold on to his penis to take my mind off the drill just how loud the drill sounds.
“New Year, new me!”
Yeah, let’s fucking hope so, the current you is a total cunt.
I’m not going to sugar-coat it, I just opened an almond.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
It’s taken 30 years but all of those northerners who won speedboats on Bullseye in the 80’s are finally having the last laugh.
Did they ever catch the guy who killed Lauryn Hill softly with his dong?
Before having kids I had no idea how aggressively I could dress someone.