TIP: Imagine you’re seeing Mumford & Sons at Glastonbury by throwing a mandolin at a blender in a room full of Guardian readers.
Is it Whisky or Whiskey? I’m doing a job application and I have to put what I had for breakfast, but I don’t want to look like an idiot.
That’s odd. Just reading this new book, A Guide To The Internet, but page 404 seems to be missing.
My wife isn’t much of a looker. Which is why she got killed at an unmanned level crossing.
Something about Sean Connery, Laurel and Hardy, fishing, & fine mesh. You do it.
Is it OK to add people on Facebook just so that they’ll go for a pizza with you? Friending for an Ask.
I’ve got paperwork coming out of my arse today. Not sure I’ve configured this new printer right at all.
Religious people are the proof that there is no God. If God existed, he wouldn’t have created something that fucking stupid.
I’m not saying my grandad is getting old but he hesitates before buying unripe bananas.
‘Queen to get 5% pay rise to £37.9m’ or, in old money, about 2500 nurses.
It doesn’t matter how old you are, you know you still haven’t grown up yet when a duck quacks at you and you quack back.
I used to work for George Michael’s fan club but I didn’t penetrate his inner circle.
As is the natural order of things, those petulant, obnoxious little shits on Child Genius will be on The Apprentice in 15 years.
I’m in an off-again, on-again relationship with an IT technician.
My local bar has a sign that says ‘Liqueur in the front, poker in the rear’.
Had an interview to be Dr Who’s assistant this morning. They asked “Where do you see yourself in 5 million years time?”
I looked up the meaning of transsexual. Two hours too late.
It must be really tough for a zebra when he becomes a father. He is torn on whether to stick around or fuck off.
BBC News: “Tiniest planet ever discovered.” Are they sure it’s not just really far away?
Ooh, Baby. I want you, I want you so bad, but I know I can’t have you Baby, cos your such a stickler for correct use of grammar.
The man said ‘Shake what your mamma gave ya!’ so I did, but the lid came off of the Tupperware pot and now I’m covered in shepherd’s pie.
When the Reverend Spooner first invented the internet everyone scored porn on the idea.
Heh heh tweeting on board airplane in sky. They said it would fuck up th
Women say us men only think with our penis. Ladies, don’t be afraid to blow our minds.
Putin has confirmed Ed Snowden is still in the transit area at Moscow Airport. Fuck me, I thought Heathrow security was slow.
My mate didn’t think having six fingers was much of a deformity. Till I pointed out they were on his fucking foot.
Thanks to a typo, it seems I’ve booked Kate Moss to do some yodelling.
Forget The Man With The 10 Stone Testicles. I have a 30 stone cunt. Or The Wife as she likes to be called.
I don’t think anyone’s ever been ‘completely’ sure that they want to continue without saving.
TIP: Tennis Fans. Pretend you’re at Wimbledon by simply laughing and clapping every time a pigeon lands on your lawn.
My niece asked if I wanted to play supermarkets with her. So I took her up the chocolate aisle.
Now Federer’s out too. This begs the important question, WHO is Andy Murray going to lose to in the final?
I farted whilst lifting a heavy object today. It’s ok though, I apologised to the man standing next to me at the urinal.
TIP: Recreate the thrill of the dodgems by strapping a fishing rod to a Nissan Micra and driving the wrong way round the M25.
Did you hear about the homeopath who forgot to take his medication? He died of an overdose.
My penis was in the Guinness Book of Records until the librarian kicked me out.
As you drive the A303 to Glastonbury and see Stonehenge on your left, be open to its ancient message: you’re going in the wrong direction.
My wife left me because I said she was an awful pilot. I can’t believe she took off like that.
TIP: Inviting strangers round to shit in a bucket before you watch will make your BBC HD Glastonbury experience more authentic.
Whenever I tell people that I find it difficult to piss with an erection, why do they usually move to the next urinal?
Currently trying to wean myself off the music of Brett Anderson using Suede patches.
My thoughts go out to Andrew Selous’s family at this difficunt time.
I’ve always struggled to pull off leather trousers.
Who do I sue about the ‘Home Alone’ movies? They stole the name of my fucking sex tape.
I really don’t think my dad liked me. Whenever I asked for my pocket money, he gave me it in traveller’s cheques.
I just saw a Mexican bloke looking very anxious, breathing in and out of a brown paper bag. He’s probably having Hispanic attack.
I often ask kids whether they prefer strawberry ice cream or vanilla ice cream. 99% of them reply “Where are my parents?”
Myself be very surprised by the news that http://t.co/IKvYkt0YA5 is suing Pharrell for using the words “I am”. Me not falling into same trap.
Ex-health watchdog CQC head Cynthia Bower says “I’ve been hung out to dry”. She’s now on a very long waiting list for me to give a fuck.
So you pay taxes, National Insurance, lose your job and then nothing for 7days. What does Osborne suggest people eat? Cake?
I’m not saying my mate’s fat, but his shirt size has more x’s than Taylor Swift.
Prevent any embarrassment when stalling your car in traffic by simply opening up a newspaper and taking a few bites out of a sandwich.
I have just been kicked out of the EDL for making an offensive statement. I said I had work on Monday.
The shampoo and conditioner trade must be booming. Every time I ask a girl out she’s washing her hair.
Beth Ditto – so good they named her twice.
I’ve told my wife she won’t stop me going on a stag do in North Wales. I said “What part of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch don’t you understand?”
Before the guy who thought up the concept of ‘Kerplunk’ finished his invention, he was just clutching at straws.
I think I’ve got subjunctivitis. Would that I didn’t!
News International chose ‘News UK’ as they
wanted a new name which better reflected what they do, and GCHQ was already taken.
Can we stop saying ‘über’ now? Please? It’s très annoying.
My wife gives with one hand and takes away with the other. Just one of the many symptoms of her chronic OCD.
I presumed The Man with the 10 Stone Testicles was about the bloke who proposed a second series of The Wright Way.
Inspirational tweet of the day: Love is never having to say you’re sorry. But maybe you could choose to occasionally, you smug bag of shit.
BTW – Have you seen the clown that hides from ugly people in Tescos?
Old MacDonald loves to play with action dolls. G I G I Joe.
Say what you like about Gok Wan, that’s the great thing about the freedom of speech.
Q: What do you call a man who lives in a pile of leaves? A: It’s Paul. Terrible shame. He used to be head of PR at Goldman Sachs.
The Iceman Then Smoketh A Cigarette.
As I complete the New York Marathon using Google Streetview, it becomes clear that boredom levels have reached a new high.
Bit of a mix up. Turns out my boss wanted us to kick his ideas around ‘after’ they’d come out of his head.
I’ve reached the age at which buying a bottle of Tabasco in the large size would be wasteful.
I accidentally shrunk my “I’m a cunt” t-shirt. So now I’ll just have to walk around with a cigarette balanced on my ear.
Well, I for one am shocked to discover that George Gideon Oliver Osborne, heir apparent to the Osborne baronetcy, isn’t a man of the people.
The BBC have apologised to the male viewers of the Voice. Next time Holly Willoughby will get her tits out properly.
Jokes about partition walls can divide a room.
My wife wanted a Siamese cat, but I heard that they are really expensive. So I’ve bought two normal cats and glued their heads together.
TIP: Make your boss feel like a darts champion by turning up for work drunk, wearing a viking helmet.
I went on a blind date last night and I ended up fucking a VIP. Or a visually impaired person, to be politically correct.
Everyone dreads the day they turn into their parents. Although, in my defence, they did reverse out of their driveway without looking.
Thousands of people at the LS Lowry exhibition. And that’s just one painting.
I said to my son “Put that down, you don’t know where it’s been.” He said “Yes I do, it’s a used condom.”
1 in 4 people live in denial. Not me.
As a kid with my mother in the butchers she asked for 3 ounces of mince and some bones. I said “Mum, are we getting a dog?”
Every time I see a women in a slinky dress, I have this irrational urge to push her down the stairs.
I’m not being funny, but why is no-one RTing my gags?
The nurse at the STD clinic smiled at me again today. Still got it.
I keep myself to myself. I don’t know about you.
Today’s Sun headline about Jimmy Nail running over a transvestite loan shark: Spender renders gender bender lender Glenda tender with fender.
My girlfriend is insecure. And fat.
My wife’s got just 27 minutes to live. Sounds precise I know but trains are pretty punctual in my area.
I keep having a nightmare about fruit machines. My wife is very supportive and to wake me up, she just gives me a nudge. And then holds me.
I want to open a tennis themed restaurant that serves Quail, jelly and potatoes. Game, set, mash.
Nationwide says average UK house price now £169,000. That’ll get you a 3 bedroom house in Leeds and laughed at in an estate agents in London.
Kenya believe it, my wife’s leaving me because of my obsession with Africa. Ghana be a right messy divorce.
Happy 45th birthday to the bloke who plays Ian Beale. I wonder if the bloke who plays Ian Beale ever worries about being typecast.
Liven up any poetry recital by whispering “I think that might be Dusty Bin” to the person next to you after every poem.
“Knock knock” “Who’s there?” “The police” “The police who?” “They think they’ve found your bike” “I don’t get it” “Not all jokes are jokes”.
Whenever I go to a restaurant I eat my food so fast, I have to warn the waiter about the hot plate.
My advice to any apple farmers whinging about how hard it is, grow a pear.
My wife caught me looking at a porn site earlier. I told her I was trying to choose a name for our children’s first pet.
If one more person says I’m obsessed with WWE I’m gonna chokeslam their ass then killswitch him from the top rope.
Just sent a Get Well Soon card to the inventor of the iPhone predictive text software. I’d heard he was I’ll.
Germany is full of weird ö’s.
They tried to make me go to rehab and I said “Ok, but who’s going to feed my cats?”
French rock salt salesmen always try to give you the hard sel.
There’s a name for that loose paving slab which shoots rainwater up your trouser leg when you stand on it. It’s called a “fucking bastard”.
I was badly bullied as a child, yet I never let it stop me from becoming who I am today. A massive pussy.
I’m so hungover Nelson Mandela just sent me a Get Well Soon card.
The kid next door just challenged me to a water fight, so I thought I’d tweet this while I wait for the kettle to boil.
Apparently this Glastonbury show includes strong language and flashing images. I’m getting old; I’ve not heard of either of those bands.
TIP: Pretend to be Robert Peston by reading from the Financial Times whilst straining to take a shit.
This 3 person IVF isn’t natural! Why can’t three people just all make a baby together the normal way? Then film it?
Starbucks is still saying it isn’t making a profit yet. Guys, if you still haven’t made any money maybe the coffee business isn’t for you.
FACT: Tennis grand slams are played on three surfaces. Hard courts (US and Australian Open), clay (French Open) and rain (Wimbledon).
Thought the fridge was making that noise again, but it was Andy Murray being interviewed.
Off to Glastonbury today? Don’t forget to bring heavy boots and an umbrella. In fact, anything you can throw at Mumford & Sons.
TIP: Recreate the Glastonbury experience by playing the Rolling Stones in your kitchen and listening from a puddle two streets away.