How come when your wife is pregnant, people rub her tummy and say “congratulations” but no one rubs your balls and says, “Good job”?
It was after hearing the ‘n’ word for the 15th time at the PFA awards that Reginald D Hunter asked to be moved off John Terry’s table.
Just checking the UKIP manifesto for the words ‘invade’ and ‘Poland’.
TIP: Enjoy the sophisticated ambience of a sushi bar by strapping some peeled fish fingers to a Scalextric car.
I’m awaiting delivery of a new copy of Lady Chatterley’s Lover by DHL.
I hate having a 30 minute session with my local prostitute. The other 28 minutes can be so awkward.
Explained Google images to my nan. ‘Pick anything to search for.’ I said. She replied ‘What about a nice cream pie?’. ‘Except that.’ I said.
Live every day as if it’s your last: being spoon-fed dinner by women dressed as nurses.
Every person has a story to tell, which is why I never talk to people.
“Give us the god of wine, or fire everyone!” Sounds like a case of Bacchus or sack us.
If you trip over in public, a cool thing to do is break into a jog, leave the country, have plastic surgery and change your name.
“There’s no such thing as a free lunch” my old grandad used to say. He made a fucking fortune at that soup kitchen.
Hey girl with 40,000 tweets and 140 followers, I’m guessing you should probably shut the fuck up.
Life is like a box of chocolates. I haven’t had one since Christmas.
Pretend that you’re a giant by carrying a normal-sized Toblerone round with you in an airport.
The One Show – for those who find five day test cricket ‘a bit high velocity’.
“What’s the difference between a Taliban soldier and a British soldier?” “I don’t know.” “Welcome to the US Air force, son!”
I went to see a house earlier with period features. The wife hates it when I call her that.
Remember. Alcohol, drugs and strippers are never the answer. Unless the question is, “What are you doing this weekend?”
FACT: If you spill enough Cup-A-Soup on your trousers, it will bond and can actually stop a crossbow bolt.
UKIP – not so much a political party, more a League of Gentlemen sketch that got out of hand.