TIP: Motorists. Unless you’ve kidnapped it, nobody gives a fuck that you’ve got a child on board.
I’ve just had a terrible row with my wife. She keeps forgetting to lift the oars out of the water on the forward stroke.
Don’t want to brag but I won Employee of the Month three months ago. Just read the email.
I ordered a mail-order bride, but unfortunately I was out when she was delivered, so now she’s married to my neighbour.
I just found out that Thorpe Park was taking photos of me on one of their rides without my permission. I was fluming.
[after sex]
Me: “Did you cum?”
Her: *looking away longingly and recalling a distant memory* “Once”
There’s nothing like a nice glass of wine before you drink the rest of the bottle.
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
TIP: Give your tweets an Australian accent with a strategically placed punctuation mark?
I went to a lovely bistro in Paris within spitting distance of the Eiffel Tower, which is why it’s always best to eat inside.
I’m particularly adept at alerting other ships to distress. I have a flare for it.
✈️ “Ladies and gentlemen, this is Capt. Graham and I’ll be your pilot today and— oh fuck that’s a lot of buttons”.
My just wife said “Will you PLEASE stop singing Oasis songs!!!” I said “Maybeeee…..”
I’ll never forget how furious my father was with me the day he caught me crossdressing. I had the last laugh though when I got on that lifeboat.
NYTimes: STONE INDICTED
CNN: STONE INDICTED
MSNBC: STONE INDICTED
FOX News: IF ALEXANDRIA OCASIO-CORTEZ THINKS GLOBAL WARMING IS REAL THEN EXPLAIN THIS PICTURE OF HER WEARING WHAT APPEAR TO BE MITTENS AS A CHILD
Quick question: Did they ever find out if it was Maybelline?
Isn’t it funny that anyone who’s in front of you about to get off the escalator has never got off an escalator before.
Seeing my new girlfriend tonight. Our first date was in an abattoir. She was stunning. Our second date was in a library. That was one for the history books. But it was on our third date in the glue factory that we finally bonded.
Her: “Mmm, you smell of coconut”
Me: “Yeah, it’s my moisturiser, it’s an intense coconut-oil-based compound” *kicks empty family bag of Bounty bars under sofa*
Wife: “I’ve sent the kids to the babysitter”
Me: “Cool”
Wife: *taking clothes off* “You know what that means?”
Me: “Yeah, someone who looks after our children for money”