Imagine how different Jimmy Choo’s life would have been if he’d been called Jimmy Chellsuit.
Serious question. How long is postnatal depression supposed to last? It’s just that I’m 38 now and my mum still cries whenever I visit.
TIP: Give a school year photo a ghostly feel by dressing one of the children up as a 1940’s fighter pilot.
Reince Priebus gone. Or as he likes to now be called: ‘The Artist Formerly Known As Reince’.
I see the little silly exit of a man,
Scaramucci Scaramucci,
Will you do the Fat Don Show?
My new phone contract gives me unlimited texts and internet. Plus 500 minutes’ talk time, whatever the fuck that is.
I dealt with the doctor’s receptionist this morning and got a same-day appointment. So now I’ve added ‘hostage negotiatior’ to my CV.
There’s just something I don’t quite like about my new doorbell. I can’t put my finger on it.
Donald Trump speaks like a jpg that got opened as a Word document.
I tried living every day like it was my last, but I got arrested on my second day of looting.
When going out for tapas, my main worry is whether to eat before or after.
TIP: Teach impatient tailgaters a lesson by repeatedly glancing at your rear view mirror and muttering ‘wanker’ under your breath.
Trump has announced transgender individuals can’t serve in the US military. Presumably because he doesn’t want to accidentally grab a cock.
Moving the whites of my eyes in a circular motion to express exasperation or disbelief. That’s how eye roll.
I was going to protest Trump with a rainbow flag on my Facebook photo, but I don’t want people to think I’m, you know, active on Facebook.
Name something that makes a shower terrible. No pressure.
I just bumped into my old English teacher. “Goode morrow! How fare thee?” he asked.
I can’t watch horror movies, because every time a bathtub ominously fills and overflows, I think: “That water bill is going to be a nightmare”.
When I’m bored I like handing herbs to people, just to pass the thyme.
Jeff Bezos confirms he’s no longer the world’s richest man as Bill Gates has cancelled his Amazon Prime subscription.
Just read that there are roughly 10 million sheep in Wales. Unfortunately, no one’s been able to stay awake long enough to get the exact number.
Does Donald Trump genuinely think he is supposed to eliminate someone each week?
Scaramucc, Scaramucc, did you make the mad man go?
If the bigger your feet, the bigger your dick, and the bigger your car, the smaller your dick, it’s no wonder people are terrified of clowns.